Episode 42: Let’s Talk Niall Horan
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Transcript
Time Crisis, May 7th.
It's springtime in America.
Jake and I talk about growing up baseball cards.
Time Crisis, May 7th.
It's springtime in America.
Jake and I talk about growing up baseball cards.
But we also think about people like Tom York, Chris Martin, and members of One Direction.
This is a very special Time Crisis with Ezra King.
Beats 1.
They passed me by, all of those great romances.
The war I felt, robbing me of my rightful chances.
My picture clear, everything seemed so easy.
And so I dealt to the floor, one of us had to go.
Now it's different, I want you to know.
One of us is crying, one of us is lying.
Leave me lonely babe.
Time Crisis, May 7th, 2017.
May 7th, people born on this day are drawn to a career by abstract circumstances.
They do not have a specific plan for it, rather follow what they feel is a calling.
These people are great at managing money.
They also make good artists due to their natural creativity.
Is that from the horoscope book?
Yeah, yeah.
Almost every time I look at one of those horoscope books and I read my birthday, I'm like, "Alright."
Yeah.
And you go through and you look at other people's birthdays and you're like, "Yeah."
If I remember correctly, February 3rd is exacting realism.
Exacting realism? What does that mean?
It means brutal, straight down the line realism.
It means you have a realistic outlook.
I found that it fit me perfectly, eerily.
February 3rd.
So you're an Aquarian?
Aquarius.
That makes you an Aquarian.
Okay.
I'm Arius.
Does that make me an Arian?
I never heard of that before, but...
Well, I'm looking at a random website, or it's the first one that comes up when I googled
February 3rd analysis.
If you were born on February 3rd, you have a way of seeing beyond the immediate issues
at hand.
You are busy, but take time to smell the roses.
Does that sound like you?
It does, but then again, who doesn't it sound like, right?
Well, that's a funny one.
Everyone's like, "I have a good perspective on life."
Right.
You have a way of seeing beyond the immediate issues at hand.
Who would look that up in the birthday book and be like, "No, me, I'd never see beyond
the issues at hand."
I get stressed out about the most insignificant details.
"I'm very myopic.
I never..."
Maybe some people feel that way.
What else does it say?
"Artistic, true, down to earth, and fascinating."
All right.
I'm down to earth.
Yeah.
You're fascinating.
You can be unconventional.
That's nice.
Yet may have conventional values.
I think that's pretty straightforward.
You put in the groundwork.
Now it is time for the hard work to pay off.
Wait, why is it?
Why is it like suddenly...
When does the hard work pay off?
Are you a devoted family member?
Okay, well, here's the negative parts.
Aquarius.
You find difficulty in dealing with other people's emotions.
Wait, is this February 3rd specific or is this Aquarius?
I think now it's just getting into Aquarius.
"Your friends think you are being hard or cold
when you choose not to chat about their problems.
Nevertheless, your friends and family are supportive and devoted to you."
Does that happen a lot where someone's like,
"Jake, man, I'm going through some sh*t."
You're just like, "You know what, Brad?
We're watching the game, man.
Like, let's talk on Monday."
No, that's not my vibe at all.
Been a rough few weeks, Jake.
I mean, who doesn't have...
All right, all right.
You want a beer?
Let's go to the bar.
I love sitting down at a bar with a friend and just like hashing it out.
Talking about life.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, maybe horoscopes aren't real.
And who doesn't have problems dealing with other people's emotions?
I mean, that's tough.
Right.
What kind of psychopath would be...
Even if you're like a very empathic, kind person,
what kind of psychopath would see like...
Do you have problems dealing with other people's emotions?
Never.
It's always easy.
I'm great at it.
That never causes problems.
What's your birthday?
April 8th.
You see what it says?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, the Cobain Day.
Exactly.
Cobain Day adjacent.
April 8th.
Analysis.
If your birthday is on April 8th, you have a nose for business.
Okay.
Who could deny that?
You do.
Vampire Weekend Incorporated.
I'm the president of various LLCs and corporations.
This radio show.
That's right.
Cross-platform synergistic branding opportunities.
That's me.
You're my boss, dude.
That's right.
Got various employees.
I employ Aquarius.
Oh, wait, it's funny.
Your exceptional ability to be quick and sharp makes you a wanted Aryan.
Oh, you are an Aryan.
Yeah, well, it's spelled A-R-I-A-N.
I always thought I was very un-Aryan, but I'm a wanted Aryan.
You are first to show compassion for others and lend a helping hand.
That's pretty on point.
I mean, you're a busy guy, but honestly, if I called you at two in the morning and I was
like, "Dude, I'm dealing with some heavy stuff right now.
Can we meet at like the Denny's on Sunset and Gower?
I got to just talk this through."
I feel like you'd be there.
Yeah, my phone would probably be on airplane mode a lot at night, but...
Okay.
No, but if I got...
I mean, if I was pounding on your door at 3 a.m.
Oh, if you're pounding on the...
Of course.
No.
You know, it'd be all good.
And I'll be honest, when you described that scenario, getting like the 2 a.m. call from
you to meet at the Denny's on Sunset to talk about some...
My first thought was like, "That sounds like an absolute pleasure."
We were having an interesting conversation before the show, Jake.
About the Zeppelin reunion, or what are we talking about?
Well, first I wanted to talk about the fact that you used to be a very hardcore baseball
card collector.
That's true, I did.
And we were kind of talking about...
I don't mean to make this gender specific, but at least when we were kids, the baseball
card comic book scenes were primarily male.
The dealers and the collectors.
Well, the dealers and the collectors, and I'm sure there were a lot of female collectors
who probably felt like weirded out by the fact every time they go to a store, it's like
a 45-year-old dude in there.
But we were talking about the specific and weird relationship that you have when you're
like a 10, 11, 12-year-old boy, and you go into these spaces where there's like the random
dude that you have to deal with.
Yeah.
So to start, just paint a picture for people, because I don't even know if people buy baseball
cards anymore today, like young kids.
Yeah, or if they do, they might do it on the internet or like...
I think people buy cards, but I mean, I think cards...
So I was born in '77, so I was like, let's say I was like 12 and 89, 13 in 1990.
And that was like, I think one of the first major crests of the baseball card market.
It was a hot market, cards sold for a lot of money, old cards from the 60s and 70s were
really expensive.
New cards were really hot, like an 89 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Junior Rookie card.
Like you might get in a pack, like if you bought a pack for $2, you might get a Ken
Griffey Rookie card that was like 100 bucks, like worth 100 bucks.
So that was like a big deal when you're 12.
It was an intersection of sports fandom, object fetishism...
Yeah, memorabilia it's called.
And young capitalism.
Yep.
All combining into just a toxic combo.
And so yes, before the internet, so then you'd go to these like random crappy little
stores that popped up in like every other strip mall around the United States.
They set up overnight.
There'd be like the glass cases, you know, it's like under the countertop with all the
like individual cards, like the...
More valuable ones.
Right.
Mickey Mantle.
Yeah.
A Cal Ripken Junior card, Rookie card, you know, like that kind of stuff.
And like, I'd go there with my mom.
So my mom's like in her 40s, taking her like 12 year old son to this like random strip
mall to buy cards.
And I, you know, and like my budget was severely limited.
Right.
It was just like, I don't know.
I don't know how we got into this the other day, but...
It made me think, I wasn't really that into baseball cards, but I like going to the comic
book store and there's like a sim...
Yeah, like I picture a very similar scenario.
Like my mom takes me there.
There's like, I can't even guess how old these guys would have been.
For all I know, they were like 25.
Yeah, I know.
They seem like they're 40, but...
And they're like kind of like weird old, like Simpsons-esque comic book store guys.
Yeah.
And you'd have these like funny interactions, like you'd have like some question, you feel
really nervous and just be like, "Um, do you have the two issues ago?"
Punisher War Journal number three.
Uncanny X-Men versus Amazing X-Men.
Guru the Wanderer.
There's just something really funny about being that age and like interacting with these
like random older dudes.
Maybe it's kind of lost to time.
I don't know if that still exists.
Like, yeah, just going into some random strip mall.
It would be like a great Netflix series.
The baseball card guys are weirder than the comic book store guys.
Yeah.
I feel like I understand.
Comic book store guys, they're just nerdy fans and it kind of makes sense that they
would like, I don't know, that doesn't sound like such a bad job to me.
It's like a slow day.
You're just looking at all the new comics.
Well, and like comics are like art.
Yeah.
So there's something to appreciate.
Well, sports memorabilia is just like photographs printed on two and a half by four inch pieces
of cardboard.
Like baseball cards suck.
Right.
Like you could.
I used to go to like those baseball card fairs.
Oh, just so brutal.
Like, OK, like off season.
Like, OK, winter in Connecticut circa 1990.
There's a baseball card convention at the Sheridan off Interstate 84.
A gray New England sky, bare trees in the parking lot of the Sheridan.
Mom, there's a baseball card convention in two Saturdays.
Can you take me to the Sheridan?
It's really close.
My mom, goodness of her heart, she takes me to this like 10 a.m.
going to the Sheridan.
Roger Clemens is there sitting behind a folding table behind those like velvet ropes security.
To sign stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
He's charging $30 an autograph.
And Roger Clemens was like a big baseball player of the moment.
Huge.
He was like one of the great pitchers in Major League history.
And but like, you know, like at the height of his career.
Well, the first phase of his career before steroids.
Oh, late 80s.
He's sitting in a separate like banquet room at the Sheridan.
He has like his high school bro from Houston running security.
And you have to pay $30 to enter the room.
And then you're in this line to like get his autograph.
My mom was like, we're not spending $30 on a Roger Clemens autograph.
We're just not doing it.
But then she goes up to the bouncer and she's like,
do you think my son and I could just get a look at Roger?
Which is just like adorable.
I want that to happen.
And she thought of that and like is making it happen.
And he's like, OK, so he like lets us in.
And like we're like standing across.
We're still like a good 80 feet out from Clemens.
Yeah, he's just like fat, like offseason.
Roger Clemens at 89.
Kenny Powers style.
He's probably clearing like, I don't know, five, eight grand that day.
I'm sitting in like this like weird baggy, like sweat's fine, a folding table.
Just like signing autographs and like barely making eye contact.
In a random deep Connecticut, Sheridan.
The house is like, this is dark.
You move on again.
See that turn out to flee again.
You always make it all right.
Ah, is that for you?
Let's get along again.
You know you're more on the fence.
You know you're more on the fence.
Ah, is that for you?
The morning only shows.
So,
so,
so,
so,
I want you to see.
I want to make it all right.
Don't you be so easy.
Don't you know that I can make it better.
Don't you ever leave me.
Don't you leave me.
Together.
Don't you be so easy.
Don't you know that I can make it better.
Don't you ever leave me.
Don't you leave me.
You know what just happened this week?
Vampire Weekend News?
No.
It was just so random.
Like, randomly there's like some official account on Twitter called
Canadian Platinum and Gold.
Uh-huh.
And this past week it just tagged me in a tweet that said,
"Today, the Vampire Weekend single 'A-Punk' from their first album went gold in Canada."
Wait, what does that even mean?
I don't even know what the threshold for Canadian gold is.
In America it's 500,000, so in Canada it's probably much less.
But like, the single?
So that must include purchases on the iTunes store.
Yes, when you individually buy it on the iTunes store.
And maybe now it counts streams or something, but just 10 years--
No, it wouldn't count streams.
I'm sure "A-Punk" has been streamed like a million times, right?
On Canada, I don't know.
Oh, I'm sure.
But anyway, this is like 10 years deep.
You sold 500,000 copies of that song.
No, no, no, that's the American threshold.
Actually, let's look up what--
No, I'm sure it's the same thing, right?
No, what are you talking about?
Canada's like--
Small country?
Canada's like, what, 18 million people, 20?
Canadian gold.
Great Neil Young record.
Is that a record?
No, I'm kidding.
Sounds like it.
Actually, this is kind of interesting, the recording music certifications.
It's changed a lot in the internet era.
The US is one of the countries that hasn't changed that much.
Yeah, in the US, 500,000 to go gold.
In Canada, 40,000.
Okay.
So that just means like--
Like 8%?
Yeah, probably like in the past few months, just like--
That might be scaled to population, actually.
No, no, of course it is.
No, no, like the US is like 320 million or something.
It sounds about right.
What's 8% of that, like 20 million or something, 25 million?
You know what's gold in Ecuador?
8,000?
3,000.
Japan, 100,000.
How about like states?
Like what's gold in California?
Oh, they don't do that, but that'd be hilarious if they did.
Wouldn't that be cool though?
Like, oh dude, it went gold in North Dakota.
It sold like nine copies.
I don't know if the streaming services do this, but back in the day when you would get
like from your label the breakdown of sales, it was like hyper specific.
Now people pay more attention to streaming than sales, but I like remember our label
would send like the-- not even like first week, just some random week, they would send
the breakdown of your sound scan.
So just, you know, just picture this like in like 2014, you could see like, oh, this
week, four years after it came out in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, Contra sold 87 copies.
You still get that still?
I don't know.
Well, I haven't seen it in a long time, but it exists.
I could probably ask somebody to send it to me.
Oh my God.
It gets you wondering like who were like the 32 people in Savannah, Georgia--
Who bought Contra.
Who bought Contra.
I mean, I understand why it's, you know, it's such a big business now, like selling consumer
data.
Right.
It's messed up, but it is fascinating.
If I had access to that stuff, I would look at it all day.
You can get some fairly detailed info on like the streaming services and on Spotify, they
do like an artist breakdown.
And actually as an artist, you kind of can't look at this stuff too much because it would
drive you crazy.
Sure.
But in the streaming era, you could literally see how many people streamed a song every
day or like the average.
Wow.
I don't want to talk about the big songs.
Let's go into like the deep songs.
What do you consider to be like a deep, random Vampire Weekend song?
Like Hannah Hunt or is that the name of it?
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Hannah Hunt is our sixth most streamed song.
That's a fan favorite.
Shout out to the fans.
What about like Orchata?
That's our ninth most streamed song.
Okay.
I'm going to go deeper.
I want to go deeper.
What's like the second to last track on the vampires in the city, modern vampires in the
city?
Oh, Hudson.
Yeah.
The weird like minor key.
Yeah, minor key.
That's our 33rd most streamed song.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's get it.
It's lower.
Hudson today on Spotify was streamed 2,700 times.
That's a lot, dude.
Yeah.
You know, that's not bad.
To put things in perspective, like that DJ Khaled song was probably streamed 9 million
times today, but you know.
What do you think like a mid-level, like Emerson, Lake and Palmer song was streamed?
Like a rando?
Yeah, not like Lucky Man.
Like the 10th most popular Emerson, Lake and Palmer song.
10th most?
It might not be that much better than Hudson, maybe a little lower.
Just because think about it.
Lucky Man.
Lucky Man is probably putting up 6K.
I don't know.
6,000?
I mean, the user base.
Oh, what a lucky man.
The user base of Spotify probably is like a little bit younger.
I mean, I'll show you like today, A Punk, our most streamed song was streamed 84,000
times.
Wow.
But then on the bottom.
That's a lot, bro.
That's a classic song.
Makes you feel good.
And also, you know, people watch Step Brothers.
Sure.
It's a classic song.
What's that song?
Okay.
Our lowest streaming songs are all like remixes.
California English, live from Bonnaroo, put up 387.
Even that sounds like a lot to me.
I apologize to anybody who's listening to us live from Bonnaroo.
What about that?
I just don't recall being that tight.
That weird deep cut we played once.
B-side.
Oh, from the movie soundtrack?
Yeah.
Jonathan Lowe.
Yeah.
It's not available on Spotify.
All these songs came out a little bit in the pre-streaming era.
Right.
I'm curious, like when dropping an album, the one I'm working on now, because honestly,
the music industry is crazy now.
People, they're all like obsessed with streaming.
When they even talk about like what order to put their songs in on a record, they're
just like, uh, look, that might've been cool 10 years ago, but in the streaming era, I
think we got to blah, blah, blah.
Just like front load the record.
Yeah, because in the streaming era, everybody's obsessed with like skip rates and stuff.
What is that?
If they put your song on a playlist, which, cause also think about it, like say you want
to listen to a Guided by Voices song.
You're a fan.
You're coming to Guided by Voices.
You're going to listen to like, what's a classic GBV song for you?
Game of Pricks.
So Jake wants your Game of Pricks.
He goes on to streaming service.
He plays it.
Yeah.
He knows what he's looking for.
He searches Guided by Voices, Game of Pricks.
He listens to it.
Now, for all the other users who don't know Guided by Voices or are not thinking about
them on a daily, it's safe to say you think about Guided by Voices every day.
Yeah.
Right.
Very safe to say.
So for everybody else, they're probably going to be introduced to Guided by Voices via playlist.
Via the show maybe.
Or yeah, or via the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get it.
But so let's say somehow you landed Guided by Voices on the Rap Hits of Today playlist.
Suddenly, you might get a million people listening to it in a day.
How many of those people are going to keep listening to it is debatable.
But like, so people really want to get on playlists now.
They're tracking like, if it's like 20 seconds in, everyone's just like skipping forward.
Exactly.
So say Jake, you're one of like the major players in the 90s indie rock playlist scene.
Which I am.
Which you are.
So you got Jake's 90s indie rock playlist, which I guess you got to make now.
You can put it up on our-
Actually dude, I started a second playlist.
It's punk, post-punk, and alternative workout mix.
But we'll get to that later.
Oh really?
Yeah.
You could look at that data, and you might be like, "You know, I started off with Breeder's
Cannonball, feel good classic song.
Everybody loves it."
And then I went into Game of Pricks as a track two on my playlist, and I got, the skip rate
was very high.
And then you might be like, "You know what?
I want people to like play through my whole playlist.
Like get out of here, Guided by Voices."
We're rooting by spark, and our vision grows.
I present my flags high, but emotions won't grow.
Retreating our way, taking the curve that grows.
And love, love will tear us apart, again.
Love, love will tear us apart, again.
Why is the bedroom so cold?
Turn away on your side.
Is my timing bad for?
I respect your soul and pride.
There's still less of you in every wildfire.
And love, love will tear us apart, again.
Love, love will tear us apart, again.
[Instrumental]
I'm in your sleep, all my feelings exposed.
Yet it's tasting my throat, as desperation seems cold.
Is it something so good, just an emotional blood?
And love, love will tear us apart, again.
Love, love will tear us apart, again.
Love, love will tear us apart, again.
[Instrumental]
Time Crisis with Ezra Koenig
[Instrumental]
Spitting in a wishing well.
You're on your hell crash, on the last splash.
[Instrumental]
I know you feel the pain.
I know you're a real creep.
[Instrumental]
Can't be shaped, can't be shaped.
[Instrumental]
I know you will know that you're true.
I know you're a cannonball.
[Instrumental]
I'll be your whatever you want.
The bomb in this reggae song.
[Instrumental]
Spitting in a wishing well.
You're on your hell crash, on the last splash.
[Instrumental]
I'll be your whatever you want.
The bomb in this reggae song.
[Instrumental]
Can't be shaped, can't be shaped.
So do you know the skip rates on your songs?
No, they don't give you the skip rates.
But also because we haven't released music in a long time,
we're not really worried about playlists right now.
You know, they show you which playlists you're on.
We're not like a majorly playlisted band
because that often tends to be about new music.
Do you think like Jimmy Page is getting like a Led Zeppelin stream breakdown?
Definitely. In fact--
You think he's looking at it and he's just like,
"I love the skip rate and a whole lot of love when we get to that trippy part."
In fact, I'm gonna look at the Spotify page for Led Zeppelin.
No disrespect to our employers, Apple Music,
who also have a quality streaming service.
But the only reason that Spotify is interesting for this conversation
is because they show the numbers.
Yeah.
Which is like for heads like us is hilarious.
No, but the numbers are only available to you.
Well, okay. To get that daily breakdown that I looked at,
I could only look at that for my band.
Yeah, you had to log in.
But to look at Led Zeppelin, I can still see how many cumulative plays they have.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
So what do you think is Led Zeppelin's most streamed song?
I mean, I want to say "Stairway," but I don't know, "Black Dog" or--
No, dude, "Stairway" by Far.
Sure.
"Stairway" has racked up 115 million streams,
which means that Jimmy Page and the boys,
they might each be taking home like 50K after taxes, you know, 25K.
You know, that's a new vintage guitar for Jimmy.
And then the second, the runner-up, "Whole Lotta Love," 65 million.
So now-- Okay, so--
That's a harsh drop-off.
Yeah, man.
"Stairway" to "Whole Lotta."
So the biggest Led Zeppelin song--
"Fool in the Rain."
115 mil.
Okay.
What do you think is the biggest "Guided by Voices" song?
"I'm a Scientist"?
That's the fourth.
"Hold on, Hope."
Oh, God, of course.
That was on their major label album.
Not a good song.
It was on like--
It was featured on a lot of like TV shows.
Okay, so that's why.
It's really--
"Game of Pricks" is number two, but--
See, that's depressing for me as a GBV fan.
Well, you haven't even heard the depressing part yet.
Okay, no, no, no.
What I was saying, "Hold on, Hope" is not part of the conversation.
Well, clearly the GBV head community has failed the band.
Well, I think the band failed them with that song.
Anyway, "Hold on, Hope," the most streamed "Guided by Voices" song on Spotify.
I have to guess the place.
Yeah, so keep in mind, "Stairway" to heaven, 115 million.
I don't know, 800,000?
Oh, no, you came in too low.
2.5 mil.
Okay.
What about "Game of Pricks"?
1.2 mil.
Respectable.
So 1.2 mil, that means Spotify is cutting GBV in the back, roughly a $4,000 check.
I can't even tell with all this stuff anymore.
You got that on lock.
Wait, so what's that percentage, like .5?
I just know because I'm a music industry professional that roughly the Spotify numbers are like a million streams on Spotify is $4,000.
So 10 million is roughly $40,000.
100 million, $400,000.
A billion streams, which I think only three songs have ever gotten.
That's happened?
Oh, yeah, like Drake, Drake and--
Highline Bling, that one?
Maybe One Dance.
I don't even know it.
If I heard it, I would know it.
Or like, you know, Major Lazer, some giant--
Major Lazer?
Yeah, they had a really big song called "Hold On."
All I'm saying is--
A billion.
If you got a billion plays, I guess they'd be cutting a check for $4 million.
What are the top streaming vampire ones?
Um, you know.
Vampire versus GBV, here we go.
You're gonna crush them.
Yeah, I don't want to-- no, that's an unfair question.
I don't want it to seem like I'm coming after GBV.
No, no, no, no, no, it's contextual.
I'm not saying you're coming after them.
So A-Punk has got about $94 million.
Holy cow.
We're nipping at the heels of Stairway.
Dude!
See, okay, that's--
Many people have said that the guitar part for A-Punk is kind of like the Stairway riff of--
What?
No, of course not.
But then it's a drop-off.
Unbelievers, $53 million.
Step, $38 million.
Dying Young, $42 million.
I mean, these are decent.
So how do you think that, like, someone that's not a fan of Vampire Weekend
only listens to A-Punk and then doesn't continue to Unbelievers?
So there's a $40 million listener drop-off from A-Punk to Unbelievers.
Or GBV, it's Hold On To Hope to Game of Pranks is like $2 million--
or, you know, like a million drop-off.
Well, there's two ways to look at the streaming stuff, I think.
One way is to be, like, depressed and be like, "Man, what a bummer.
It's like the big songs get so much more play than the other ones."
And like, "Man, remember back in the day you had to go buy an album
and you spent time with it and you appreciated the album as an art form?"
That's the pessimistic view.
The optimistic view would be like, "Streaming services are like a record store
and the radio all in one."
So, like, back in the day, of course more people hear the single.
It's always going to be a drop-off between the number of people who know Stairway
and who go buy a Led Zepp album.
Even, like, with Drake or something, the number of people who know One Dance
who don't know, like, track 17 on the record.
You know, that's--
No, I mean, I get that.
But what I'm-- I guess what I'm asking is, like,
A-Punk is no longer a single that's in active rotation.
Like, you're not promoting the first Vampire Weekend album.
And when you were, Spotify wasn't really a thing, or was it?
No, it literally didn't exist.
So, what accounts for that now?
I don't know.
Like, is it just people watching Step Brothers?
I think it's literally just people watching Step Brothers.
Or if you're not a Zeppelin person, and you're, like, typing in Zeppelin,
it starts to, like, feed on itself or, like, perpetuate itself.
Yeah, so let's say--
So you type, you're like, "Who's Led Zeppelin?"
You're 12 years old.
Okay.
And you're, like, "You know what?
I'm no longer interested in the artificial palette of modern pop music.
I prefer the tasteful palette of '70s hard rock."
I've been listening to Time Crisis.
There's this middle-aged guy on the show that talks about the tasteful palette of '70s rock.
In fact, you know, just to bring it full circle from the last episode,
maybe there's a kid, a 12-year-old guy, who always thought One Direction was cool.
And he's checking out the solo work of Harry Styles.
And then he hears this song called "Sign of the Times,"
and he's like, "Daddy, Daddy, what is this tasteful palette of this Harry Styles song?
It doesn't sound like the synth-driven, dance-music-influenced pop that I normally hear."
"Well, son, that tasteful palette is highly reminiscent of early '70s Bowie and T-Rex."
Maybe a little Elton John.
Maybe a little Elton John.
And he types in "David Bowie."
Of course that kid's not going to go listen to, you know, track 8 on low.
Quicksand.
The first thing that's probably going to come up is like Space Oddity,
or whatever his most streamed song is, he's going to listen to Space Oddity and be like,
"Tight. I like this song."
And then whether he decides to dig deeper in the David Bowie catalog,
or maybe he'll say, "Daddy, Daddy, I love this song Space Oddity.
What should I do next?"
And the dad could either say, "Well, son, I think you should go deep into the discography
of the late, great David Bowie," or he might say, "You know what, son?
You should save that song to a playlist, and let's continue hunting for some other gems
with the tasteful '70s palette."
And then you move on.
Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Weird and Gilly
And the Spiders' Crumpons, they played it left hand
But made it too far, became the special man
For then we were Ziggy's band
Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan
He could lick 'em by smiling, he could leave 'em to hang
Became one so loaded man, well hung, snow white tan
So where were the Spiders?
While the fly tried to break our bones
Just the beer liked to guide us
So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands?
(Guitar solo)
Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were voodoo
The kids were just grass, he was the nest
With God-given ass, he took it all too far
But boy, could he play guitar
Making love with his ego
Ziggy sucked up into his mind
Like a leper messiah
When the kids had killed a man, I had to bring up the band
(Guitar solo)
Oh yeah
Ooh
Ziggy played guitar
Time Crisis with Ezra King
Beats 1
So Jake, this news already broke
But we would be remiss not to mention on Time Crisis
(Laughter)
How are those tortilla chips?
Great
Washing it down with a Modelo
Love your brand loyalty with Modelo
It's a good beer
Great beer
But anyway, Doritos teamed up with Marvel Studios to promote Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 in an unusual way
They've created a custom designed limited edition series of Doritos bags
With a built in rechargeable cassette deck inspired player
That plays the movie's full soundtrack
Cassette deck inspired
Basically it's like a little
Piece of plastic
A little piece of plastic with a little hard drive in it that has mp3's of these songs and it looks like a cassette deck
And so there's speakers built into the bag?
I think maybe there's a eighth inch jack
You plug in your earbuds
You can plug your earbuds in
Oh it comes with headphones
Oh it comes with kind of like 80's looking headphones
The Time Crisis social media presence went off the rails with this news
Cause it was like the fusion of Doritos
Music
And classic rock really
Cause it's like all 70's like top 40 stuff right?
Yeah exactly
Like stuff we might hear in the top 5 if we were doing
1973 you know top 5
Exactly cause in the film
Well I saw the first one
Chris Pratt is a boy abducted from Earth at a young age
I saw it too
The way that he remembers Earth is with the beloved mixtape
Right
But he wasn't abducted from the 70's right?
He just had like an oldies tape
No I think he was abducted from like maybe the 80's
Oh really? Okay
You know cause it's like he's a kid
Why do you build me up?
Yeah exactly
And he gets taken
And then he's all grown up
So it'd be like if you got abducted from a baseball card store
When you were 12
Right
And all you had was like a Don Mattingly baseball card
And like a Motley Crue tape
And a Motley Crue tape you'd be blasting that as you cruise the interstellar speedways
You know when people talk about like your desert island discs
Yeah
I'm just always like
What's the one record?
God
I'd be like whatever record I took I would hate
Right within like a month
Or a week
Especially cause you'd be listening to this record and you'd be like
I'm stranded on this island I'm gonna die here
This is the soundtrack of my misery and solitude and imminent death
You'd probably use the record to like kill an animal or something
Right?
You'd probably try to like start a fire by like reflecting the sun rays
Yeah
Onto some like bark shaving
You'd like have a gaping wound on your hand
Melt the vinyl into it
You'd have a record player on the island
Oh yeah that record player would be getting stripped for parts immediately
Yeah
Desert island disc
Honestly if I was stranded on a desert island
I'd rather simply have a hacky sack than any record that's ever been made
Tight call
At least I'd be something to do get really good at hacky sack
Yeah I think having one record
Oh my god it would just like make the passing of time so profound
Like you'd listen to this record it's like 42 minutes long
You'd be like well I listened to it it's 42 minutes later
I'm gonna be here for the next 40 years
Ugh
I'll listen to it again maybe later today
And waste another 42 minutes of my life when I could be like trying to like
Yeah like we
Hunt some wild boar down
People get all like excited about this stuff just like
You really think 30 years deep
You're just gonna be so happy
That you have Dark Side of the Moon
Yeah
To listen to
Thank god I have Alien Lanes
So I can listen to Game of Pricks over and over again
While I'm starving
I've waited too long to have you right in the back of me
But she didn't sit down
I wonder how you keep track of me
You could never be strong
You could only be free
And I never asked for the truth
But you had a lot to me
I'll get to the game by the tricks of real life's little back of me
Can't call you without you
I don't blame you for attacking me
I'm down in hell
Weep to all of the trees
And when you come calling me down
I don't have my disease
(Guitar Solo)
You could never be strong
You could only be free
And I never asked for the truth
But you had a lot to me
And I never asked for the truth
But you had a lot to me
And I never asked for the truth
But you had a lot to me
I guess something you could dance to would be kind of fun
But also like
Solo dancing?
I'd rather have like a workout tape
I guess it'd be kind of cool if you could take like a Django Reinhardt record
And you got a guitar
Jam to it?
Then there's something you could do
You'd try to learn the parts
Or at least an activity
Okay
(Guitar Solo)
Would you rather have
Like a Playstation
With 50 games
Or
A lifetime supply of Modellos
Cold?
Yeah, let's say there's kind of like a magical fridge
And every time you reach in there's an ice cold Modello
So basically 30 years alone
Pounding Modellos
Or no Modellos
But you can play like
That's a tough call
You can play like Madden
I'm not a video games guy at all
But those are like worlds to explore
No I know I mean if you were
You might get into some like RPGs
Persona 5
If you were on an island by yourself for decades
The time
Oh my god
I mean my instinct was to say Modellos
That's the wrong move
Yeah the video games I think would help pass the time better
Yeah I think so
Kind of messed up though right?
Like you're on this like desert island
And you're just playing video games all day
(Laughter)
See maybe I'd take the Modellos
Because I'd have to be working all day just to live
I'd have to be like scavenging coconuts
Amassing firewood to build
Shoring up my shelter
Trying to build a raft to like get the hell off the island
Maybe I'm looking at this through a very modern perspective
You know trying to hunt a boar
I'm so used to growing up in first world America
Where everybody has at least a tiny bit of free time
Yeah
Because even if you're like got a brutal life
And you have to work so many jobs to keep afloat
You still have like an odd day off
There still is a sense of leisure time
Whereas when people were like scavengers
No but even then you know
When scientists imagine what the hunter gatherer societies were like
Sure
They actually say that there was a more chill time to be alive
Than in the agrarian era
You know what I mean?
Right I've heard that theory
You're rolling around with 30 of your closest friends and family
You guys come across a bunch of fruit trees
What do you do?
You sit down, you shoot the sh*t
Eat some delicious mangoes and you move on
As opposed to the agrarian societies where you gotta till the earth
Right
Non-stop
You're working
Well okay but if you don't find the mangoes or the wild boar
Then you're screwed
You need the medellos to go with the wild boar
That's what I'm thinking
Right you get really good at hunting
You're barbecuing like seagulls
And you're just like good lord I wish I could watch this out on the modelo
That might also help if the food was real nasty
Yeah
Cause you might not have access to salsas
Or if you are starving the beers are a carb load
Yeah that's true
Okay
You've really fleshed that out
Alright so we got it
If ever an evil billionaire tells you
To pick your favorite record
Cause you're about to go live on an island by yourself for the rest of your life
Just try to bargain
How about a fridge full of ice cold medellos?
Lifetime supply
Desert Island Discs
Honestly even just thinking about it stresses me out
I really know how it feels to be
Stressed out stressed out
When you're face to face with your adversities
I really know how it feels to be
Stressed out stressed out
We're gonna make this thing work out eventually
Yo I ain't one to complain but this thing's in the game
What's your name?
Consequence I'm tight burnt like flames
And why's that?
American dream they got this ghetto kid in a fiend
Don't stress that cause it's not in your bloodstream
Your whole being comes from greatness
You remember Chase Long got you caught in the storms of December
And brothers on the block packing 9's like September
Change these situations you get in the sparkers or slender
Yo I be on the avenue where they be acting brand new
I'm sludging on these re-blocked joints for sure they boom
All of a sudden I saw these two kids twerking
Talking out they joints but they wasn't saying nothing
My hand was on my pulley they was acting unruly
Yo word up yo I was tight caught up
But I swallowed my pride and let that nonsense ride
Because the positive it seems that negative died
Yeah we was at the dice game making these cash with Trillie
Flaming steady running off at the willy
I had my cash fixed my rent blue with my play dough
I gotta see some leads so all my girls I blow
Took the lisp dish in my palm let em hit the floor
Kept my eyeballs open for them pigs po-po
I got to go on the app see my parole by four
But I gotta steady freak these boys like Jojo
And I was doing it till I met Ice Spike and Mike Monroe
They had my pockets so the other end spiked
Yo I know the feeling when you feeling like you feeling
You be having good thoughts but the evils be revealing
And the stresses of life can take you off the right path
Jealousy and envy tends to infiltrate your staff
We gotta hold the dance so we can move on past
All adversities so we can get through fast
I really know how it feels to be stressed out
When you're face to face with your adversities
I really know how it feels to be stressed out
We're gonna make this thing work out eventually
You got the NWO, low cash flow
Your baby's on the way and you don't know who he is
And Coruscant's f*cking tryna bust at you
Ayo they got me stressed out and you don't know what to do
So frame this code at black and rigid through my contacts
With a poultry scrap, broke and get pistol smacked
For switch hittin' queens, lickin' liquid sauce spittin'
With raw puppies and now your first love is quills
Your vision of the mills got crushed like hay lover
Try to rise to the top, you just couldn't recover
And all I want is my laceration of the pie
To get this whip cream before the water runs dry
Chicken's last dancing yo I don't know why
Your chicken snitchin', she got you cruisin' to the pokey
Like Smokey, the truck you tryna three second homie
Well I be tryna get star status like Shinobi
So we can build a dynasty just like the Kobe
And all I want is the world to know my C
He's money hungry since he's big in 730
And got me stressed out like he's Royal Gamsi
I really know how it feels to be
Stressed out, stressed out
When you're face to face with your adversity
With your adversity
I really know how it feels to be
I know how stressed out
We're gonna make this thing work out eventually
Oh, no way we gonna make it
Gonna make it
No way we gonna make it
Gonna make it
No way we gonna make it
Gonna make it
We gonna make it
Gotta make it
No way we gonna make it
Gonna make it
We're gonna make it
No way we gonna make it
We're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
Oh, no way we gonna make it
Oh, no way we gonna make it
Gonna make it
No way we gonna make it
Oh, no way we gonna make it
Oh, no way we gonna make it
Oh, no way we gonna make it
We're gonna make it
No way we gonna make it
Yeah
We're gonna make it
Yeah
No way we gonna make it
We're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
Oh, yeah
No way we gonna make it
We're gonna make it
Let's get in the top five
It's time for the top five
F-F-F-F-F-F-Five
On iTunes
Alright, Jake, so this week on the top five
We're taking it back to 1976
Wooo!
We're gonna compare the top five songs on iTunes today
To the top five Billboard hits of 1976
Why? Why 1976?
Bicentennial year?
No, far from it
The year before I was born
Well, kind of
The year I was conceived
The year Jake was conceived
And also the year that Ja Rule was born
Oh!
Ja Rule has been in the news the past couple weeks a lot
Because he helped start a festival called Fire
Right
That was down in the Bahamas
Went south
It didn't turn out well
That's been well covered
Yep
In the media
We're not gonna add insult to injury
So actually we wanna celebrate Ja Rule
By remembering that he was born
I didn't really follow this
41 years ago
Really follow the story
Was it incompetence or a scam?
And I could be talking about Trump here too
I know, that's like one of the big questions in life
Everyday there's something you look at
And you're like, is this incompetence or a scam?
I didn't actually ever click on an article about that festival consciously
So I only got the periphery of the story
Let's say gross incompetence is probably closer
Okay
Because it's not really a scam
Because these dudes are getting lawsuits
Like they're getting sued
Yeah, if it was a scam
They would have had to make it slightly nicer
Right
Then people would have been merely disappointed
Not outraged and scared
You're not disappointed
What was that?
I don't know, like bad Trump impression?
The number 5 song
This week in 1976
Wings
The post Beatles band
Love it
Paul McCartney
I know this song, it's called Silly Love Songs
Oh God
Tribute beginning dude
That's kind of interesting for 1976
Kind of like Nine Inch Nails
Yeah, it sounds like weird sampled
So, my understanding is that when this song came out
It was a huge hit for him
And this was kind of like when people were like
You know what Paul man
You've always been like a corn ball
You sold out
What happened to the guy who wrote When I'm 64?
Wait, that's exactly, no, I mean
No, I'm just kidding
I'm just saying because the Beatles had so much like
The guy that wrote Hey Jude or whatever
The guy that played drums on Tomorrow Never Knows
What happened to the guy who wrote Maxwell's Silver Hammer?
I'm still here
Again
Kind of like a little bit of a disco vibe here
Yeah, it's a light disco
I'm loving the bass playing, I wonder if that's Paul
Oh yeah, great bass player
I guess around this time
John Lennon was
Getting faced with Harry Nilsson at the Troubadour
Right
Oh, this is interesting
So apparently this song was written as a rebuttal to both music critics
And John Lennon who accused McCartney of writing lightweight love songs
So this song is self-aware
Because he's saying
You'd think people would have had enough of silly love songs
But what's wrong with that?
What's wrong with that?
I gotta say, there's something
It's a pretty weak song
It's a weak song
But there's
There's something kind of hilarious about like
Maybe he and John got together
And John was like
We've debated his song Imagine on this show before
Whether or not Imagine is like truly a deep song
But John's like, what happened to you man?
You're a cornball
You know, I'm writing songs like Imagine
Mind games
Jealous guy
What are you writing?
Bunch of silly love songs
And Paul's like, okay man
And then he writes this song
Oh yeah?
I write silly love songs?
Well what's wrong with that?
And here I go again
Now I'm gonna write self-aware, semi-ironic love songs
Is that gonna please you?
You cynical f-
When Paul McCartney sings Here I Go Again
I just picture him on like a cute little roller coaster
With Linda at his side
Just like looking at John scowling at him
Just like two middle fingers in the air
Here I go again
Boom boom boom boom
I love you
I love you
I love you
I can't explain the feelings between us
Now can't you see?
She gave me more, she gave it all to me
Now can't you see?
What's wrong with that?
I need to know
Yeah this is the part where it's kinda dark
Two middle fingers in the air, f- you John
Eat it, Lennon
Again
Ah, and then he turns to Linda
I love you
Oh you know what it is?
It's like they're at the water park
And he's going up in the log flume
And Lennon's on the bridge
Just like looking at him just like
You f-ing sappy dude
What happened to you?
And then he's like here I go again
And then like John Lennon gets splashed with the water
And then he turns to Linda
I love you
Like Lennon just like scowling
Granny glasses get knocked off
Dripping
Eat it, Lennon
Almost any time
You look back at history and like
I mean we've talked about this a million times
But it's like when I was like 13
Like a smarmy little 13 year old
And I loved the Beatles I'd just be like
The Lennon songs are far superior
And then it's like you look back and you're like
Is I Am The Walrus
Like that much better than yesterday?
Is Strawberry Fields Forever that much better than
Yesterday? I mean I don't know
No yeah I hear what you're saying
I'm stalling because they're different eras
Right
The question would be is Strawberry Fields better than Penny Lane?
Yes and
I used to feel very strong that Strawberry Fields Forever
Was so much deeper
And as I get older I'm like
Penny Lane there is a
Yeah that song was tight man
Barber taking
Photographs
And then you get older and you're just like honestly
The Kinks, Ray Davies is better than both of them
No they're all good
The number 5 song
In our era
We've been hearing this one a lot
Ay, ay, ay
Tom York's favorite song
Is Bruno more of a Paul or a John?
He's more of a Paul right?
Bruno's much more of a Paul
And I'll tell you why
Paul and Bruno are both like
Incredibly technically talented songwriters
Right
And I bet if you said to them
Because we talked last time about how Bruno
And Tom York from Radiohead have beef
And you know probably similarly to like
Paul and John
I bet they're the type of dudes that
There's some kind of distance between them as people
And the voice of the songs they write
Yeah
So I bet if you said to Bruno
Or Paul
You guys' songs are kind of lightweight
You know what I'm saying?
They'd be like oh you want me to write a Radiohead
John Lennon song? Give me 5 minutes
And they would sit down at the piano
And write something that sounded kind of close
I'm not saying it'd be as good
But something that kind of close and be like
Oh yeah Radiohead, like Bruno Mars would probably be like
They always do this type of chord, the drums sound like this
And he'd sing, and I bet Bruno could do a sick Tom York impression
Oh my god
And he'd probably be, and the lyrics are always like
Plan the shot, like you know
So in that sense they're like
They're both razzle dazzle showmen
Yeah
I witness this all the time in the music industry
There's always a tension between the razzle dazzle showmen
And who they perceive to be like the
Authentic
The authentic serious dudes
Because the razzle dazzle dudes look at the authentic dudes
And say like
I'm more talented than you
I can do what you do but you can't do what I do
I can bang out a Radiohead song but you can't make a
That's what I like
And then the authentic dudes are like you guys are cornballs
You guys are so corny
Which is not as strong an argument
You know it'd be interesting if Radiohead did
Try to go pop?
Like if they just went with like full
Bruno Mars production
But wrote songs over that
It wouldn't
Maybe that Radiohead would be like a Tom York solo record
Yeah, I'd like to see him get in the booth
And Bruno
The number four song in 1976
Elvin Bishop
Oh sweet
A fool, a fell, oh wait what is it
A fooled around and fell in love
Fooled around and fell in love
Featuring the Boogie Nights
May 1976
This is what's on the radio
America is about to turn 200
I must have been through
About a million girls
Now Elvin does not sing
Lead vocals
This is his background singer
Mickey Thomas who went on to become
The lead singer of Jefferson Starship
Okay
I didn't care how much they cried
No sir
Yeah I've seen Boogie Nights
So many times that I can't separate
This song out
It's a scene
Where Philip Seymour Hoffman is just like
Shoving wedding cake into his mouth
And it's when like Becky Barnett
Is marrying the guy that works at the Pep Boys
And John C. Reilly is like
We're losing these two
Oh yeah
It's an initial scene
I mean what else can you say about this song
Nice 70's
Mellow pop soul
The number 4 song
On iTunes right now
This is the one that really has legs
Jake can you name it in the first 5 seconds
What is it
Coldplay and Chainsmoke
Coldplay and Chainsmokers
Chainsmokers and Coldplay
Get the order right
I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
I'm glad it's back in the top 5
You can't keep a song like this down
Dude between this and the Bruno
We're off to a great start here
Clearly I don't see myself
At home at risk
She said where'd you wanna go
How much you wanna risk
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairy tidbits
Just something I can tell to
Somebody I can kiss
Hold on listen to this
As of this week
The Chainsmokers have had a top 10 song
For an entire year straight
So that means
A week has not gone by in the past year
When the Chainsmokers were not in the top 10
And I feel like
Even every single episode
That we've done of this show
Just about
I mean I could say yeah
More or less top 5
They're major artists
So you know what's funny
We've probably listened to like
3 hours total of Chainsmokers on this show
A lot of Chainsmokers
Also you know what's funny
Remember when Coldplay came out
They were kind of seen as like
Are they the heirs to Radiohead in some ways
Kind of similar epic rock style
And then as time went on
Radiohead went further left and more electronic
And Coldplay became
More of a considered pop artist
It would have been even funnier
If at that Radiohead show
This one came on
Just like Tom Jorkens
I want something just like
Oh f***
It would have been much more confusing
Right
I want something just like
You're talking about could Radiohead work over Bruno Mars production
Well
Chris Martin works over Chainsmokers production so why not
I wonder how many times Chris Martin and Tom Jork have interacted
That's a great question
And
You're gonna say above 10 or under 10
They both spend time in LA
I've seen both of them out and about
In Los Angeles
You think over 10 or under 10
Chris nice to meet you Tom
I've just been dying to meet you
God I don't even want to like play this out
I can picture their interaction so well
It hurts my feelings
It hurts your feelings?
It hurts my feelings
Or like you're bummed for Chris
It hurts all my feelings
Too painful to play out
I just feel like
That's a time crisis first
I really do respect both of those
Guys as songwriters
I think they've both written incredible songs
Sure
It's that duality that we talked about
It's that Lennon-McCartney
Like I'm sure that Tom Jork
Probably thinks like
We've gone deeper into the human psyche
And blah blah and Chris Martin's like
Yeah but you never wrote something just like this
It'd be an amazing
Like one act play
Like Frost/Nixon
Jork/Martin
If you're like a good playwright
Really delve into like
Notions of like artistic authenticity
And voice
How much of that is real
How much of that is just like
Kind of BS
And just kind of circumstance
And timing
Man I would love that just to get into that
Just have two artists come together
And just talk about like
Artistic intent
But also get into some of that stuff that's like
You know what man
At the 2001 Brit Awards
All I said was hi
And you looked at me like
I asked you for an autograph man
Like what's up with that
Now I'm starting to play it out
I don't wanna
Okay I can't help play it out
At first Tom Jork is all like whatever
And then later
Chris Martin who kind of comes across as
A more sensitive
Empathic kind of guy
He's like the one to be like come on man just like talk to me
Like a human and Tom Jork's like whatever
And then finally Tom Jork cracks
And he's like
Alright you know what man
Yeah I wish the Chainsmokers would call me
I wish that I had a
Top 5 song on iTunes
You know like I've had the critically acclaimed
Edgy album like
Yeah you know what man I'm actually jealous of you
Man
And yeah
I take it out on people like Bruno Mars
Cause I just wanna be your friend man
Just the tables totally turning
Chris Martin's like dude
Come over sometime. You just have to call me man
I gave you my number at the 2001
Brit Awards
Colin just showed me there is one picture
Of them together
Oh my god
Oh man
It's not even really them together
Like they're both not looking at the camera
Right they might not have been talking
Anyway I just wanna
Put this out there. I gotta write this play
You should write this play
And I just also wanna put this out there
Actually this was an early idea we had for Time Crisis
Was that we were gonna bring people with beef on
Oh yeah
And kinda hash it out
And I think you and I are fairly good mediators
Let's try to get Jork and Martin on
I mean they're both LA residents
Honestly I would even say to those two guys
I would
Do you the honor
Of even just seating
Two hours to you
In the producers booth man
We'll let you guys take the mics
I just wanna hear what these guys talk about
Maybe it won't be tense. Maybe we're imagining this
Or you know set it up so they do the top five
Together. They don't have to get into
Like you know
That's hard to just get on the mic and be like you know what dude
Here's what I think about your music
But just have them do the top five
Oh that'd be sick. Open invitation
Tom, Chris
You got my number. You have publicist and stuff
You should have them you know
Good job. Also
Like
That's a good play. They go through the top five and by the time they get to number one
Just like it just gets real
Tom's like Chris
When you said that you love that Bruno Mars song
That hurt. You know what happened to me in Miami
That hurt my feelings
Back to 1976
The number three song
Boogie Fever by the Silvers
Do you know this song? I don't know
Boogie Fever I don't know
Ooh
Love that
Kind of a weird version of
Daytripper? Yeah
Boogie Fever
Got the boogie down
Boogie Fever
I think it's going around
I took my baby
To the driving show
The bassist faced the bass line
On Daytripper
Okay. That's documented
Today they'd be sued right? Oh yeah
If you're just out front with it and you're like you know what I base this on this
Then is it cool?
It depends if you have like a good
Relationship with them
Like if somebody I was
School with said like
I based the bass line off of
Right. Something that you wrote
And I heard it and it was like
This? I'd be like don't even sweat it man
I'm gonna base
The single off my first album off Apunk
Oh you can base the bass line
Off
You just gotta. No I'm gonna base the top riff
Off Apunk. Is that cool?
Alright you just gotta play it for me
This song was written by Freddie Perrin
And Kenneth St. Louis
Kenneth suggested to Freddie
Why don't we write a song with the word boogie in it
It's one of the most popular words
Right now
One of the most popular words
Right now?
What would that be now?
I don't know. Well a couple years ago it'd be lit
Like right now
Whoa. I don't know what's
Well I mean Childish Gambino did that
He's got a big hit right now
Stay woke
Okay
It's fall 2000. What's a big word right now?
Cuck. He said cuck
I mean it depends what
Kind of radio you try to get on
So me and Jake
Were just in the studio man and I was
Kind of coming up empty and I said like alright
Just throw out a major word right now
And Jake said cuck and that's how we wrote Cuck Fever
That became number one
It kind of became emblematic of the
Trump years but we're not political man
It's just
Our band is not political
Cuck fever
Cuck fever is not political man
Anybody could be cucked
It's a sign of the times man
It's not an alright. We're not all left
We're just
We're right down the middle
The number three song
Right now on iTunes
Remember we heard this the other day?
Despacito
Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, Justin Bieber
It's the remix
I mean if they want to repeal healthcare that's cool man
I mean
Whatever, right down the middle
God
Come and move that in my direction
So thankful for that
Such a blessing yeah
Turn every situation into heaven yeah
Oh oh
You are my sunrise
On the darkest day
Got me feeling some kind of way
Make me want to savor every moment
Slowly, slowly
You fit me
Fit me tell me love how you put it on
Got the only key know how to turn it on
Okay so we got an email from
An Ecuador based Time Crisis fan
Coco Vega
I love that we got people listening to Ecuador
Yeah
Coco Vega explained to us that
Seinfeld 2000 got the translation dead wrong
Shots fired
Sorry Seinfeld
But maybe Despacito could be translated as
Thirsty in some places
Easy does it sounds more like it
Right that's what I thought we got into that a little bit
Take it easy
Or like slow right
Lento
He says in this case I think the best translation is just slowly
Yeah
Although take it easy would be good if they want to put it in English
Despacito
Take it easy
So this is the chorus where Despacito is used the most
Despacito
Basically this is Coco Vega's translation
Slowly
I want to breathe your neck slowly
Let me whisper you things in your ears
So that you remember when you're not with me
Slowly I want to strip you off with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your labyrinth
And make your whole body a manuscript
What does that mean
Sign the walls of your labyrinth
It must be referring to one of the various
Orifices of the human body as a labyrinth
But how's he signing it
I guess you sign it by gentle contact
Or you sign it by
By gentle contact with a part of your body
Okay
I thought something else
In other words I think they're talking about intercourse
That's my read
I could be wrong
And make your whole body a manuscript
You need some sort of like fluid
To like sign things with right
Oh god is that really what they're saying
First of all
Shout out to Coco Vega
In Ecuador
I really appreciate this because
I don't know Spanish at all
Who am I kidding it's one of the great shams in my life
You took French?
Yeah I was such an idiot
That's a whack move
I was a little pretentious 14 year old
They said you want to take Spanish or French
And I was like I'll take French
It's honestly one of the dumbest things I did in my life
It works for you
Yeah
The same sort of like vampire weekend
I know well yeah this is a bad thing
You think of me as a pretentious little French taker
Well I don't but
The part of you that took French
Is the same part of you
Preferred the Beatles to the Stones
And started vampire weekend
That's right
It's a little precious
As I get older I get less precious
God love ya
As I get older I get less precious
I listen to the Stones more than the Beatles
You're more into exile than you are into uh
You know magical mystery tour
Exactly
I'm more into learning French
Torn and frayed bro
I go to the gym more
I drink protein shakes
I watch the game
You're listening to the Joe Rogan podcast constantly
I drink bone broth
I take human growth hormone
I go hunting
You take a nootropics
I take nootropics
I eat paleo
Let's face it you're a libertarian
I'm a libertarian
That's true
I cut the line at Starbucks
I stopped reading books
You're investing in restaurants
*laughter*
Yeah
What are you driving these days?
This is getting weirder
An H2 Hummer
Sick
I endorse John Kasich
On the show
Can you imagine if we had John Kasich call him
I'd be a star for him
A very sincere John Kasich interview
When I go over to a friend's house I bring wings
Nice
So you're getting far away from taking French
Well it's just more people speak Spanish
It's as simple as that
Big election today in France
I know that this is a big election
I know that a lot of things hang in the balance
This could be the rise of fascism
This and that but
I just don't care about French stuff anymore
You won't catch me watching those returns
Be watching the game
MMA bro
Dear lord, stop the national front
We'll find out
Anyway, back to 1976
Where are we?
Here's Maxine Nightingale with Right Back Where We Started From
*music*
Oh this is a good one
Yeah
I like this one
This is a re-recording
Oh was it a 60's song?
No it's from the 70's
From their masters
So we're hopefully putting a little extra money in Maxine Nightingale's pocket
By playing this version
Was this recorded like recently?
2005
Oh man, really?
Wow you could have fooled me
It's a little stiff
Yeah it's stiff
Oh yeah this does sound bad
Do you remember that day?
That sunny day
When you first came out of the heat
I said no one could take your place
And if you get hurt
By the little things I say
I can put that smile back on your face
Oh and it all
It's really hard to fake recordings
Because even if you get the players
It's hard to recreate that magic
It's so weird when people do that
I mean
I think like a lot of people
Do that
But I don't think it's a good thing
I don't think it's a good thing
I think like Pearl Jam
No no they didn't re-record
But they like remixed 10
Oh and it sounded weird?
I didn't hear the remix I wasn't interested in it
But I read about that that they all thought 10
The first record from 91
Sounded too like kinda butt rock
So they remixed it in this like kinda
Cooler like grungier way
And I know like Def Leppard re-recorded
Hysteria with their big album
They fully re-recorded it?
Yeah so if you actually I've looked at this on Apple Music
The only version of Def Leppard
Is the re-recorded? Is a 2012 re-record
And does it sound crazy to you?
It just sounds more souped up and less
I mean already that was a psychotic album
Yeah but like I wanna hear the original album
I don't wanna hear
It's tough yeah you get so attached to recording
I think ELO recorded some of their albums
It's like a very weird
Sometimes it's a move to just own your own version of the song
Right
Because sometimes people signed horrible deals back in the day
So maybe they
They're doing it?
That's a classic reason why
That's such a what an uninspired performance
They're like doing it for that reason
Pour some
Sugar on me
You're like the whole time
You're just thinking I gotta get my version in
Right
We gotta make that money
Mutt Lang screwed us or whatever
Next time Denny's calls
Looking to use pour some sugar on me
In a campaign my manager
Can hit him up and say hey guys
You wanna save about a hundred grand?
Our triple dipped french toast
Use the 2012 version
Pour some sugar
Come and get it on
Then I
You gotta do it like down
Down two steps
Totally pour some
Oh god
The number two song
Right now on iTunes
DJ Khaled
And it's not just DJ Khaled
Got Justin Bieber
Quavo, do you know who Quavo is?
I don't
He's a member of Migos, you know who Migos is?
I don't
They're a rap group from Atlanta
Right
Chance the Rapper, you know who he is?
Lil Wayne, you know who he is?
Where's Lil Wayne from?
New Orleans?
Yeah, alright
Look at Jake
Some people are saying this could be the song of the summer
Okay
We the best music
Another one
DJ Khaled
Yeah, yeah, looking at the truth, the money never lie
No, I'm the one, yeah
I'm the one
Early morning in the dark, know you wanna ride
Is this Justin? Yeah
I'm the one, yeah
Hear you sick of all those other imitators
Don't let the only real one intimidate ya
See you watching, don't run out of time
I'm the one, yeah
I'm the one
I'm the only one
I'm the one
I'm the only one
I'm the one, yeah
I'm the one that hit that same spot
She the one that bring them raindrops
We go back, remember Christmas
Fun, everybody does their take
What does it mean to be the one to you?
For Justin, it means one thing,
Quavo, something else
I didn't catch Justin's
Meaning
It's something about being rich
Or special, I don't know
You can ride inside my life
On that fame bus
'Cause I promise when we step out
You'll be famous
What do you think, Jake?
I don't know
You think Jake? Pretty forgettable
Now it's time for Jake's take
I'm the one, DJ Khaled
Song of the Summer, Contender
I got a hot take here
I got a real original hot take on
I'm the one, I'm a 40 year old dude
Never heard the song in my life
I got all kinds of opinions about this
Song of the Summer
Over my dead body
No way
I'm waiting for that new AC/DC album to drop
I don't know, sounds cool
Wait, Jake, what's like your
Attitude towards the music?
That's cool
Wait, Jake, what's like your eternal song of the summer?
It's like an eagle song or something?
No, no, you know what it is? What?
Nelly, It's Getting Hot in Here
Oh, okay
That's the eternal song of summer, right?
For the 21st century and for the 15th year in a row
It's Jake's Song of the Summer
It's getting hot in here
So take off all your clothes
I am getting so hot
I won't take my clothes off
I'm the one has some real heat
That sounds cool
It's fun, it's upbeat
Didn't bum me out, didn't pump me up
Maybe it'll grow on me
I like that rubric
This one didn't bum you out
Nor did it pump you up
Some songs bum you out, but they pump you up
Some songs just bum you out
Occasionally
And I mean this
Occasionally
One just pumps you up
Does it bum you out?
No opinion
I'm pumped up, I'm not thinking about it
The number one song
This is funny
May 1976, the number one song was a TV theme song
That doesn't happen too often these days
Oh, Dukes of Hazzard?
No
Is it like a famous show?
It's a very famous show
It launched the career of one of our greatest actors
An Italian-American icon
John Travolta?
What's the show he was on?
Welcome Back...
Mr. Cotter?
What's the song?
It's called Welcome Back
I don't think I've ever seen a full episode of this show
I vaguely remember it was on Nick at Night back in the day
And I know that it was Mr. Cotter
It was the teacher
And these were a bunch of knuckleheads in his class
And John Travolta would always be
Hey Mr. Cotter
I've probably seen more parodies of it than I've ever seen the show
But even without listening to it
I know how the song goes
Welcome back
It's composed by John Sebastian
Who performed it?
Yeah, he's a famous songwriter
Wait
Was John Sebastian involved with the Mamas and Papas?
I think
Or some other band
Loving Spoonful
Oh, okay
This is number one?
People were buying like seven inches of this
Yeah, there used to be three channels
I want to go by them all
And I gotta pick up a shirt for work
And pick up the new seven inch of Welcome Back
Yeah
Culture used to be a lot more narrow
Maybe like
At the end of the episode
Hey, what's up guys? This is John Travolta
I want you to go by
Go to the supermarket
And pick up the 45
Of the theme from Welcome Back Cotter by John Sebastian
That's probably enough to make it number one
Travolta's a year in Scientology at this point
Oh, did he become a Scientologist in '75?
Yeah, yeah, I remember reading that
I remember that first
I'm weird with years
Sometimes they stick in my craw
Right, '75 is the year Travolta started
Yeah
Hey guys, I'm John Travolta
Kind of a Rennie Newman vibe a little bit, right?
Yeah, totally
It's a good song
If you want to go clear like me
You gotta pick up Welcome Back Cotter
Theme song
Along with a copy of Dianetics
Shout out to L. Ron Hubbard
And John Sebastian
Welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
I wonder if Travolta and Hubbard
Had FaceTime
'Cause Hubbard died in like '86
I bet, well, no, but Hubbard was so isolated
Yeah, they probably had some FaceTime
But he was so isolated and reclusive
I've met somebody who met Hubbard
Whoa
We'll talk about that after the show
Really? You can't get into it?
They're gonna come after you?
I don't want to mess with Scientology
How old is this person that met Hubbard?
I got enough on my plate
In their 60s
Maybe 70s
Was it a long hang?
All I know is that they met
Next time I see this person I'm gonna ask some questions
I'm gonna approach in a very neutral way
Just like you met a famous guy
Same way that if you told me you met Tom York I'd ask you how it went down
You're listening to
Time Crisis
On Beast1
Jake, do you know who Nile Horan is?
I don't
Nile Horan?
First name N-I-A-L-L
Ooh
Nile?
Nope
British person?
Yes I believe he's British
Might be Irish
One of the two
Nile Horan
He's sitting atop
The iTunes chart right now
With a song called Slow Hands
No idea who he is
Asking me or telling me?
Oh I know who he is
Oh you do? Okay I have no idea
Never heard the name in my life
Well let me read you a little bit about him
Nile Horan is from One Direction
Wow
One Direction?
What happened to Harry Styles?
He's not in the top 5 this week
That's messed up
I think the song's doing alright
I heard it in the gym dude
What's at its height?
I was kickboxing with my brother
What?
You're kickboxing now?
Yeah we go to kickboxing classes on Saturday morning
Okay I like that
It's like 20-25 people, very co-ed class
There's a teacher with a wireless headset mic
That's just like "Okay guys, body shots!"
And we're punching this
We lace up, put on gloves
And we're punching bags
And then we're doing roundhouse kicks
Down, give me 10 pushups
You can do a roundhouse kick?
Poorly, yes
Are you kicking Dave in the face?
No no no, a bag, a hanging
Oh everybody has a bag?
It's like 2 people per bag
Oh and you wait in line?
I actually spar, that doesn't uninterest me
So you're training just for
You know, just like getting in shape, conditioning
Okay, alright
It's brutal, it's an hour, it's insane
And they're just blasting
It's a lot of cardio
Pop radio or something?
This trainer dude was like "I made a killer playlist"
Oh really?
And it had
"It's the sign of the times" on there
"Just stop your crying, it's the sign of the times"
"It's the sign of the times"
And it also had "9 inch nails hurt"
Which, thematically
Strong choice
Because you're doing like 25 pushups
And you're just like
"I hurt myself today"
15
16
When you're really
Working out, it's like the music is
Meaningless
Well that's why I'm making my
Post-punk and alternative workout playlist
I can't wait to hear that
So it came on and you were like "this is tight"
Yeah, I was feeling it
So you were like "honestly I'm glad to hear something with a
Tasteful 70's palette from one of the young guns"
I think anything at that volume
Sounds good
That's my theory
You're gonna like this man
So Niall Horan
So former bandmate of Harry
Yeah
Wendy's got a deep bench
He said Wendy's has a deep bench
1D
1D founded by Dave Thomas
19th century
Niall Horan
We actually listened to one of his songs once
It was kind of like a folky ballad called
"This Old Town" or something
Not ringing a bell
Okay, well he came out of the gate with
Not quite a 70's palette, but you know a tasteful
Modern folk rock
Pop thing
Acoustic guitars
So anyway, before we hear the song
Listen to this
According to Horan, after listening to some of the material he had
He wanted to add a bit more grit
Funk and heavier bass
At the time he was listening to late 70's
And early 80's music
Like Don Henley
When he went solo in the early 80's
Nothing says funk and gritty bass
More than Don Henley
Don Henley
When he went solo in the early 80's
He just kind of had this funky kind of feel to it
Heavy bass, heavy guitar
Let's give this a crack
Dirty laundry
Down at the sunset grill
Is now implying that early
Eagles did not have like
Funky bass and guitar
He's gotta listen to one of these nights
Right
Anyway, so Jake, I mean this literally must be
Your wet dream, man
I wouldn't go that far
Middle aged dude
Who's just been
At sea
For the past 10 years
Wondering when is that tasteful palette you love
Gonna come back
And then just looking around
As society changes
Looking for a tasteful palette
And it comes from one of the most likely places
Two members
Of a British boy band
And not just any boy band
One that started on a reality show
And he's getting into Don Henley
Things are cooking
The movie poster is
You, Harry Styles, and Awhorn
And like the tagline is like
Sometimes help comes when you least expect it
They're helping me
Yeah
You run a hardware store on Nantucket
These fantasies
Recently widowed
Oh my god
You run a hardware store on Nantucket
You think you're never gonna love again
And your teenage daughter only listens to the Chainsmokers
And she wants to go to school
In Boston
And you want her to go to the University of Nantucket
And then one summer
All the former members of 1D run a house together
They're trying to do like an exile kind of thing
Yeah they're reuniting for their
Music from Big Pink
They're teaming up again to make their Nantucket album
They're like we're just gonna get hammered on whiskey
And like
Yeah
Just plug our guitars in like a
PV amp and record
You're down at the local bar
You're just like hey Rudy make it a double
And then you hear these young cats
Like laughing
And you're just saying to Rudy like I just don't get it
My daughter only listens to the Chainsmokers
She wants to leave Nantucket man
Where did I go wrong? Blah blah
And then you just hear these two voices over there
Like
No mate
T-Rex is better than Bowie
Nah mate
Bowie is better than T-Rex
And you just look over like
Who are these guys Rudy?
Some young boy band out of England
Are they really talking about T-Rex and Bowie?
Sounds like a joke
Loving this fantasy
You know what Rudy buy them around
Then they come over
Dude what's your deal?
I'm a widower out in the local hardware store
Couldn't help but overhear you guys
Talking about the tasteful palate of early 70's British rock
Yeah mate I love that
You mean to tell me you young cats aren't at all about the Chainsmokers?
Nah mate
Hate the Chainsmokers
In that case next round's on me
I don't know
Whatever
They get you a new girlfriend
Okay
So this is all building up to Nile Horan's new single
Yep yep
Influenced by that late 70's
Early 80's Don Henley funk
I can't wait for this
I'm hearing the Henley
Yeah it's not, he wasn't blowing smoke
No
I get my news
From the evening news
Wait what?
That's what she said
Fly to my face
That's that kind of vintage vocal sound
Cause I want you baby
You almost guessed the melody
Yeah I want you baby
I've been thinking 'bout it all day
Doing cool stuff everyday
And then took it
This is the part where he's just like
Rented a house by the beach
By the beach
Yeah I want you baby
Slow hands
Like sweat dripping down
I'm not dirty no I'm drinking no
Slow hands
That's kinda cool
This is like the part of the movie where stuff starts coming together
Well Nile if you're looking for some extra cash
I could use some help around the hardware store
I'd love that mate
And this is you guys like
Horsing around
He like dusts off your old record player
To set it up in the hardware store
Start putting on tasteful 70's rock
While you guys are working
I gotta train you on the forklift
I just wanna take my time
And then like
You are now a Massachusetts certified
Forklift operator
All night
Yeah
Cause I want you
Yeah I want you baby
Slow hands
Like sweat dripping down
I'm not dirty no I'm drinking no
Slow hands
That's kinda cool
Yeah I want you baby
Like sweat dripping down
I'm not dirty no I'm drinking no
Slow hands
That's kinda cool
Yeah I want you baby
Like sweat dripping down
I'm not dirty no I'm drinking no
Slow hands
That's kinda cool
Take me home
Fingertips putting on the show
Can't you tell that I want you baby
Yeah
Slow hands
Like sweat dripping down
I'm not dirty laundry no
Wait did he say dirty laundry?
Wait like sweat dripping down dirty laundry
That makes no sense
Laundry absorbs sweat
Wait okay
Maybe we're missing something here
I was gonna say is this like a love song? Cause Henley
All his solo work was like
Deeply kind of metaphorical
It was about aging
Yeah
Idealism dying
The dreams of the 60's not working out
These um
Okay wait did he say laundry?
Sweat dripping down your dirty laundry
On first listen
I thought it was dirty laundry
And did you like the vibe?
That's a terrible song no
Oh really? Dirty laundry?
No no this song
It's pretty
Not hating it not pumping me up
Okay so the chorus of this song
Dirty laundry is an awful Don Henley song
Dirty laundry
So for anybody
Who's not familiar with Don Henley's solo work
Can we get into a little dirty laundry
Just for reference
He has a song called dirty laundry
That obviously
Niall was
Inspired by
That is amazing to be inspired by dirty laundry
I cannot imagine that
Of all the pieces of music that
Well that's like in the movie
You're just like
You're kidding me you're in a dirty laundry
Young kid like you a fan of solo Henley
Oh I love it mate
I'm absolutely mad for it mate
It sounds like
Positively vibey in comparison
Slow hands
Sweat dripping down our dirty laundry
All of a sudden this sick keyboard drops in
Okay this song is funkier
I'm surprised you hate this song
This is actually making me appreciate it a lot more
I mean the drumming is sick
Henley's scathing critique
Of the gossip news industry
Seemed crucial in '83
So Niall says
I want like a new Henley song about like
Facebook
Or like Fox News
That's kind of always been his vibe
I want like an updated version
Maybe they exist
I open up my laptop
What do I see
Open up my laptop
What do I see
Whole lot of Facebook
Pictures
Pop it off at me
My aunt out in Tosa
You know I really don't care
I just wanted to get more Dylan
It all comes back to fake Dylan
Doing the Henley impression
Makes you realize how influenced
By Dylan he was
You just like strip it down
He was just doing like a Dylan
Unlock my iPhone
What do I see
Whole bunch of apps staring back at me
So Niall just to put it in perspective
Okay let's get back to Niall
Well because the Henley song is called Dirty Laundry
Niall's song goes slow slow hands
Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry
That just doesn't add up to me
No chance that I'm leaving here without you on me
I know yeah I already know that
There ain't no stopping your plans and those
Slow hands
Well actually I want to understand what this song is about
Verse 1 we should take this back to my place
That's what she said right to my face
Cause I want you bad
Yeah I want you baby
I've been thinking about it all day
And I hope you feel the same way
This is kind of similar to Ed Sheeran's Shape of You
This is a horn dog song
It's in the horn dog genre
And I hope you feel the same way
And I just want to take my time
We could do this baby all night
Yeah cause I want you bad
Slow hands
God these lyrics suck
Harsh
No these lyrics suck
Way harsh Ty
The bridge is fingertips putting on a show
Is this specifically about
F***ing
I was gonna try to be more elegant about it Jake
F***ing
Is this song about specifically digital stimulation
Katy Perry's song called Bon Appetit
And they were saying you know that's about a very specific
Sexual act
I always just assume when I hear a horn dog
F***
No Bon Appetit cause she's basically like
You're gonna I'm setting the table for you
To
Eat up
Her song
The Katy Perry song Bon Appetit
All I'm saying is for me when I hear horn dog songs
I'm just always like it's about
Whatever goes on between two consenting adults
In the bedroom
But then sometimes people are like no it's actually about
Cause I heard the Bon Appetit song
And Katy Perry's just like
It's all these extended food metaphors like
Tonight's the night gonna eat it up
Gonna eat it right
Basically
Okay I just want to read the bridge to the song
Digital stimulation
Digital stimulation so the bridge is
Fingertips putting on a show
Got me now and I can't say no
Wanna be with you all alone
Take me home take me home
Fingertips putting on a show can't you tell that I want you
Oh I don't know that could be about
Maybe she's tickling him
These lyrics suck
Like for me when someone tickles me
To quote I remember Snooki
Uh once saying this on uh remember
Jersey Shore
Yeah and I remember she said this in the show
And I really related to it she said
I hate being tickled
It might look like I'm laughing and enjoying myself
But I feel the opposite
That's how I feel I don't know about you
Not a big fan of it
When somebody tickles me I truly get nervous
That I'm gonna like despise out
And uh you know like my limbs
Say like
Has that happened recently?
Where you've just been like in a situation where like
Someone's tickling the crap out of you
And you're just like Jesus Christ I'm not in control
Right now
I have no I'm pretty good at controlling it now because I have memories
Of being tickled
At other points in my life
Where I was just like bleh
And I got close to like accidentally smacking somebody in the face
And I don't want to be in that position so if somebody I care about
Tickles me
I'll kind of go like real stiff like with my arms
Pressed up against me and try to just
Do a barrel roll out of the bed
Wow
Dude quick aside have you seen that Tickled documentary?
Oh it's incredible
That's insane
And anybody who wants to watch like a good gripping documentary
Watch Tickled
I think I've gotten an email or a tweet from Time Crisis listeners
About Tickled
Oh nice there's some
Shout out to all Time Crisis listeners
It's kind of a movie that you don't really want to explain
Too much
It's a documentary about a very strange gripping story
It's called Tickled check it out
I don't think the song is like particularly
Specific he's just
Slow hands maybe just means we're touching each other
We're taking our time
It's a Clapton reference he's a big Clapton head
You're like my guitar
So like sweat dripping down our
Dirty laundry
That's a total nod
Obviously to dirty laundry
That's cool that he's paying tribute to Henley
Maybe he met her at the bar
On Nantucket
Things got hot and heavy so quickly
And she was like can we go back to your place
Straight up to my face
Straight up to my face she said let's go back to your place
And he's just like
I gotta be honest
I've got a summer rental with my guys
It's kind of nasty right now
There's a mountain of dirty laundry there
Yeah just like listen
I don't remember how to do a Boston accent
Listen not
I can't do a Boston accent at all
I'm just gonna make like a New York
Niall give me a break
I grew up with five brothers it's fine
Then they get back there
Like the bed is just covered in dirty laundry
And he's like uh let me and she's like
No more waiting
Get on the bed
It's dripping with sweat the dirty laundry
No it's because they're making out getting hot and heavy
So they're sweating
Onto his bed covered in dirty laundry
Further soiling the dirty laundry
That's right
They love dirty laundry
I'm sorry
I've got a sweating problem
Niall it's dirty laundry
You're gonna wash it later who cares
And then Ed Sheeran busts in with Chinese food grease
All over his t-shirt
Chinese food
All on his beard
Mild beard
He grows it out
Ed Sheeran is working on his music from Big Pink
Nantucket album
He grew the beard out
He's looking like Will Oldham
He's bald
This is like in ten years
With a huge beard
Chinese food up in the beard
You just got it on the house with Niall and Harry
He's put in a few hours down at Jake's
Hardware store
Jake's building a hardware supply
Let's get serious
We joke around a lot on this show
As somebody who often feels disconnected
From modern pop music
I don't even know if I do anymore
Because I do the show every two weeks with you
I feel like I kind of know it now
I'm just saying
Do you appreciate knowing that
One of the dudes from One Direction
Is nodding to Henley
Do you like that?
In the abstract I think it is kind of funny and interesting
The song is not
A payoff at all
But
The concept is funny
Look at him bring that guitar out so distant
Yeah
Listen to the way they're like cutting off the vocals
Interesting
You think I edit?
That is weird
That's his nod to Yeezus
He's like guys I have a really ambitious
Vision I want to combine
Kanye
Yeezus period with early 80s Don Henley
Working at the hardware store
Woo
Maybe a little bit of 80s Stephen would in there too
Yeah a little bit
Valerie
It's been a real
Joy
To see all the 1D guys
Spread their wings
Start referencing T-Rex
Bowie
Modern R&B
Don Henley
On this show we've only ever
Talked about the three
Dudes who have pursued solo careers
With the most vigor
Zayn, Nile
And Harry but there's two other guys
Who are they?
One of them's name is Liam
I saw he was in the news
Recently because he had a baby
Oh and then there's a fifth guy
Anybody in the room know the fifth guy's name?
Brandon
Then there's
Brandon wait come on
Tyler? No they're English
Travis
These are like they're not from like
Rural Michigan
Kevin
I actually want to form the rural Michigan
One Direction
Actually Jake maybe this is a business
Opportunity these guys are showing
That boy bands
And tasteful palette of 70s rock
They're not miles apart
We should be scouring
We should be scouring rural Michigan
To put together like
A tasteful 70s palette boy band
Okay who's the fifth guy?
Louis
So there's two guys left who haven't really
Stepped out solo
Obviously they can't do the Zayn Modern R&B
Or the
Bowie thing or the
They're gonna go more like Slayer, Rain and Blood
Oh one of them could do metal
That would be sick
80s speed metal
That would be sick
Yeah kinda like when Lady Gaga played Metallica
That type of thing
And then the last guy could do
Honestly if I was like the last dude from one dude
I would do kinda like Pat Metheny group instrumental jazz
I'd be like
Yeah alright you've heard all of these guys sing
And sing about this and that
Having sex on dirty clothes
Having sex on a pillow
Having sex
Yeah whatever
I'm not gonna sing about
Wait what?
That's the weird Slayer version
Oh right
I think the fifth guy should just be like
Tasteful jazz fusion
Down
Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
Two last things I wanna say
Okay
The movie where you're a hardware store
Owning widower
And smoking loving daughter on Nantucket
Where they come to
Work on their comeback one direction album
It's called New Directions
And it's like you sitting with the guys
And the tagline is sometimes
Help comes where you least expect it
Yeah
New Directions
And then I rip a solo over all of their songs
That's the end
The end is like summer's coming to an end
And they're just like
You're like alright guys are you gonna keep working on the hardware store through autumn
Jake we gotta go on tour
We sold out Wembley Stadium
Our album's coming out next week
Our album's coming out September 8th
And you're like
Oh well uh
I gotta say it's been
It's been nice knowing you boys
I guess I probably won't be seeing you around Nantucket too much
They're like are you kidding Jake
We need you to rip a solo
At Wembley
Please throw me a guitar
I'm going on tour man
And then
I'm ripping a solo on every single one of their songs
And then your daughter is so impressed
She's like I'll work at the
Hardware store
Her dreams are crushed
Yeah yeah yeah and somehow I accept that
And I'm like okay well actually this works out
I'm going on tour
So if you wanna take over the store for the next three years
We're doing a global album cycle
Dad I know things have been
Kind of weird since we lost mom but
Seeing the way that you reconnected with
Nile and Harry from 1D
Made me want to reconnect with you too
I'm not going to college in Boston anymore
I'm gonna go to University of Nantucket
And you're just like sick
Just remember to turn the lights off everyday
You have the keys I'm going on tour with them
Here's the inventory clipboard get working
Alright well this has been a hell of a time crisis
I think the real MVP of this episode was Nile Horan
Because his first single
You don't even remember it
But like it's very inoffensive
But it doesn't have as much flavor as this one
This gave us a lot more to talk about
So I appreciate that shout out to Nile
To everybody else who's out there
Keep doing what you're doing
Keep surviving
This is our first summer under Trump
You know what I'm saying summer is a great time
To get out there
With your friends
You've been studying up all winter long
Let's get out there
This is the 50th anniversary of the summer of love
Summer of love part 2
Actually part 3
Can't forget about the
What was it 1987?
In England
What?
We're closing strong here
Summer of love part 3
Shout out to everybody on Nantucket
I'd like to get out to Nantucket this summer
Maybe we should do a little summer of love event
Thanks for listening to time crisis
We'll be back in 2 weeks
Time Crisis with Ezra King
Beats
One
ONE!
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