Episode 63: The Two-Fridge Vibe
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Transcript
Time Crisis, Oscars wrap up.
We'll talk about that a little bit.
We'll also talk about the controversial children's film, Peter Rabbit.
We'll also dig back into our favorite Diet Coke commercial, but this time with a twist.
All this, plus listener emails and the top 10 songs on iTunes right now.
This is Time Crisis with Ezra King.
Beats 1.
Time Crisis.
Time Crisis back at it again.
It's showtime.
In classic Time Crisis fashion, because we're every two weeks, it means that we got a lot of news to cover.
It's not always the freshest news, but we reheat it here for our listeners because we're their primary news source.
Last Sunday was the Oscars.
Did you go?
I didn't go to the Oscars.
I feel like if there was an award show, there's like a 30% chance you went.
That I went?
Yeah.
There's actually a party and a viewing event/party for it.
Vanity Fair party?
Exactly.
Nice.
Yeah, they have this little dinner and you watch and hang out.
There's a massive party.
Right.
It's a famous thing.
People are covering it.
It's a major Hollywood event.
I didn't know about it until recently.
I was like, "Where's my invite?"
Maybe I'll try to get you in next year.
I'm already-
To see coverage.
I'm already just a plus one.
Maybe I can get a plus one, plus one.
Actually, you know what?
I saw when the big party started, I saw a lot of the Apple crew.
I saw Zane was in the building.
Apple's got a connection to it, so they should be inviting more personalities.
Right, man.
I saw Charli XCX there.
You're just as much a beats one radio personality as she is.
I saw Haim there.
Now I'm feeling kind of bad about myself.
We're going to get you in.
Why wasn't I there?
Why didn't I get that invite?
#JaketVanityAffair2019.
But anyway, so yeah, I watched the Oscars at this event.
Did you watch them at home?
Yeah, I kind of dipped in and out.
Yeah?
You get some goldfish in a bowl?
I didn't do that.
Did you have people over?
I was rolling solo.
Oh.
Hannah was out of town, and I put out a few feelers to people, like, "Hey, are you watching?"
Because I don't have cable.
You need cable to watch the Oscars?
Or a digital antenna.
I did a little research to try to suss this out.
This is pathetic, but I ended up opening a Hulu live account, because you get a free one-week trial.
Yeah.
So I streamed it live and then immediately canceled the account the second the Oscars were over.
Okay, nice.
I was double-screening it.
I was watching on my laptop, and I was actually working on some art-related stuff on that same laptop with multiple windows.
Okay.
With the phone also texting with Hannah and other people.
You felt like you were at a party.
Yeah.
It wasn't too lonely of an experience.
I was drinking some tequila.
Oh, solo tequila.
Went out and got a burger solo, like, midway through.
It was a pretty sick night.
Yeah?
But I kind of missed a lot of stuff.
Like, they kept making references to Jet Ski.
I missed that, too.
I missed the first, like, 45 minutes.
So I didn't know what was going on.
Jet Ski, yeah, it was some joke Jimmy Kimmel made about whoever gave the shortest speech would win a Jet Ski.
There's so much to talk about the Oscars.
It's Hollywood's biggest night.
It's a big night.
It's a major night.
Although, apparently, fewer people than ever are actually watching it on TV.
Sure.
Who cares about that?
First and foremost, this is a music show and a food show.
So this show is for musos and foodies.
And history buffs.
And history buffs.
It's not really a show for cinephiles.
No, we touch on movies, but not very often.
Movies is low down the list for us on time.
And there's a lot of great radio shows, podcasts about movies for cinephiles.
If you were a voting member of the Academy, what would you have voted for?
Best picture.
Go.
Don't think about it.
Get Out.
Yeah, agreed.
Yeah, everybody that I was sitting with was really bummed that Get Out didn't win.
But, you know, whatever.
Yeah, awards for art.
It's all kind of silly.
It's all kind of wacky.
But because, as I said, this is a music show, first and foremost, we should talk about how there's music at the Oscars.
Right, we should.
They nominate the best song, which is an original song for the Oscars.
So did you catch any of those performances?
Yeah.
Did you see Sufjan?
I miss Sufjan.
Playing this song, Mystery of Love.
Did you see this movie, Call Me By Your Name?
I did, yeah, in the theater.
Great movie.
A timeless film, really.
This is a very pretty song.
The more I hear it, I'm like, "Yeah, it's a good song."
Yeah, and I think I only wish he sang all the songs in Italian.
That's my one note.
That would have been tight.
I remember knowing going into the film that it was set in 1983 and that there was a Sufjan song in it.
I remember being worried that there would be an incongruous tonal clash between--
But you didn't feel that way?
No, I think it blended in okay.
Because the other music in the movie was of the period.
And this has a pretty tasteful, timeless palette.
Yeah, I mean, you can tell it's new, but it's definitely not from the '80s.
But it wasn't jarring.
Who did he perform with?
He also had Moses Somni and St. Vincent with him.
That was cool.
That little crew performing.
Heavy hitters.
I did catch the last one, I think, which was a very aspirational song.
Was it this one from The Greatest Showman?
This is a big film.
The Greatest Showman is a big hit musical.
I love the idea of the subject matter.
Which is what?
It's P.T. Bartum, right?
He's a fascinating figure, but the fact that it's a musical, I'm like, "Nope, I will never see it."
What, you don't like musicals?
I don't.
We've had this conversation on TC before.
I don't think this is the one I saw.
This is really just a straight up pop song.
This is like a fight song style.
I was just going to say, this is a total fight song.
This is Meghan Trainor style.
Alright.
Those songs are tough where you're like, I mean, Queen, We Are The Champions is an amazing version of that idea.
Let's write a triumphant song where we're brave, we're heroic, we kill it.
That's a really hard emotion to articulate in song.
Not many versions that do it well.
Yeah, Star Spangled Banner.
That's a good one.
Eminem, Lose Yourself.
Yeah, but that's tinged with sadness.
He's got mom's spaghetti on his sweater.
The infamous mom's spaghetti.
Just straight triumph is tough.
It's funny.
I feel like there's more of those types of songs in the past 20 years than back in the day.
I agree.
I feel like most pop stars at this point have at least one song in their repertoire that's kind of like their,
you know, maybe for Taylor Swift, it's like Shake It Off.
Like, you know, forget the haters.
You're better than them.
Was there like a Fleetwood Mac song that was quite ever that straightforward?
You Can Go Your Own Way?
Not really, though. That's different.
That's like F off.
Yeah, nowadays it's like that's the type of song that you need in your arsenal.
God, that's weak.
Such a weak form.
I wonder if Queen thought We Are The Champions was funny at all.
That's a great question, actually.
That's crossed my mind before, especially--
Wait, throw it on.
Also, it's funny how We Are The Champions and We Will Rock You are kind of like one song, right?
Right, right, yeah, they play them back to back.
Yeah.
So this is pretty minor.
Well, because it starts out--
Please pay my dues.
Yeah.
Wrongfully accused.
It also kind of sounds like Everybody Hurts.
Yeah.
I'd sell this record.
Those guitar tones are amazing.
But yeah, think about them listening back in the playback booth and just being like,
"This is hilarious and awesome."
Of the world.
Wait, is it no time for losing or no time for losers?
Losers.
That's also the thing that people forget about with Queen because it gets kind of decontextualized
as time goes on.
Bohemian Rhapsody is like a totally wacky, campy, funny, satirical song.
And then think about other early Queen [bleep] like Fat Bottom Girls.
Right.
"I Want My Bicycle."
You know, he really had--
Bicycle.
He had this sense of fun, silliness in Queen.
Right.
Yeah, so him rolling in the studio like, "I got an idea for a song.
We are the champions."
Of the world.
Just them in like late '70s, just like [bleep] London.
Just like no time for losers.
Amazing.
I mean, it's a sick song.
My curtain calls
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes
I thank you all
But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
And I ain't gonna lose
Come on, come on, come on, come on
We are the champions, my friends
And we keep on fighting 'til the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions
Of the world
Here's Mary J. Blige.
Did you catch her performance?
I missed it.
Oh, wait, no, I caught it.
This is the first time I think that somebody was nominated for--
Song.
--and actor.
Cool.
Life is a teacher
Time is a healer
And I'm a believer
Like a river while
Ego's a killer
Also, so far, all the songs nominated are, like, serious.
Yeah.
Like, it was cool when, like, Pharrell got nominated for "Happy."
Right.
Yeah, I feel like the tone of the Oscars songs are, like, bloated, heavy ballads.
It's, like, not fun.
I don't want to hide
No lines in the sand
I'm on your side
There was also Andra Day's "Stand Up for Something," featuring Common.
Good production.
You can have all the money in your hands
Oh, this is where Common went, like, super political, right?
Yeah, this is from the film "Marshall."
Oh, okay.
Missed that one.
Well, 'cause that's, you know, a serious story about the Thurgood Marshall biopic.
You can have, you can have everything
I guess it's, like, with the movies, they choose the real serious ones for the most part.
So I guess with music, they kind of do the same thing.
It's the same way that you don't see, like, comedies ever cleaning up at the Oscars.
Right.
There's also just not gonna be, like, fun, goofy songs.
Was that "Timberlake" song from "Trolls" nominated?
No. See, yeah, exactly.
Maybe it should have been. Terrible song, but it was, you know.
I've got this feeling.
I think it might have been nominated, actually. It didn't win.
Wait, wait, you played the Oscars, right?
I did play the Oscars once.
What was that story?
Karen Oh wrote this song called "Moon Song" for the Spike Jonze movie "Her."
Oh.
And we had done kind of, like, a studio duet of it.
And then she got invited to play, and then they asked if I would back her up.
And Spike had this idea to direct the segment, and it's, like, really, it's cool.
It was, like, 'cause, you know, sometimes they do these, like, big spectacles.
So his idea was just me playing acoustic, me and Karen just singing together.
Just sitting on the steps, and then he put, like, a big moon behind us.
I remember.
It's very tasteful.
I think I was not aware that that was happening.
Oh, really?
And I was just like, "Whoa!"
Check it out.
That was stressful.
I know him, guys. I know that guy.
I bet that was stressful.
Well, just because I'd never played-- I've only done a handful of live TV things.
Yeah.
SNL, which is stressful, too.
That seems hella stressful.
But this is bigger.
And also it was stressful because this was Karen's song.
So I'm there to back her up.
Like, imagine if I just, like, brutally--
Went to the wrong chord?
--up a chord, and she would just be, like, she's already stressed.
It's so much pressure on her.
She's nominated, you know?
Were you trying to, like, not overthink it?
Were you like, "Okay, I know the next chord is a G.
Wait, is it a G?
Wait, is it?"
I think when it happened, I didn't have time to think.
Nice.
And then I remember I was so exhausted afterwards
that I was on my way to the Vanity Fair party.
I was, like, alone in, like, a huge SUV that, like, the studio had hired for me.
Wow.
And I had gone to this other party, and I was just, like, rolling solo
because I didn't have any pluses or anything.
And I just remember, like, getting there at, like, 1 a.m.,
and they were, like, supposed to have my name.
Like, they didn't.
And the driver's like, "All right, well, we'll try to sort this out.
Let me pull over."
And then I remember, like, I sent a couple texts to, like,
whoever was supposed to get me in.
And then I was just, like, sitting there waiting.
Like, within a minute, I just, like, fell asleep.
And I was, like, "Sir, please take me to the hotel."
Missed the Vanity Fair party in 2014.
Yeah, I missed the 2014 VF.
♪ I'm lying on the moon ♪
♪ My dear, I'll be there soon ♪
♪ It's a quiet, starry place ♪
♪ Times we're swallowed up in space ♪
♪ We're here a million miles away ♪
♪ There's things I wish I knew ♪
♪ There's no thing I'd keep from you ♪
♪ It's a dark and shiny place ♪
♪ But with you, my dear ♪
♪ I'm safe and we're a million miles away ♪
The song that actually won was from "Coco."
You see that?
I did.
Pixar movie.
People love it.
It looked good.
Yeah.
I'll watch that sometime.
Yep.
♪ Remember me ♪
♪ Though I have to say goodbye ♪
♪ Remember me ♪
♪ Don't let it make you cry ♪
So this is the Miguel version of the song.
Oh, Miguel?
Yeah, there's probably a different version in the movie.
♪ I sing a secret song to you ♪
♪ Each night we are apart ♪
This has like a fun vibe to it.
♪ Though I have to travel far ♪
♪ Remember me ♪
Yeah, at the ceremony, Gael Garcia sang it.
Had a kind of shaky vocal performance.
I had it on mute.
I remember seeing that.
♪ Any way that I can be ♪
♪ Until you're in my arms again ♪
♪ Remember me ♪
So you watch the whole thing seated at a table with a lot of people?
At a dinner party, essentially.
The full four hours?
Yeah.
Three and a half, whatever it was.
They're bringing out food, and people are chatting,
and it's like a lively atmosphere.
Sounds fun.
Also, I forgot-- in classic TC fashion--
I forgot that I recently wrote a song for a movie.
Yeah?
I should have talked about this in the last episode, but I forgot.
Did you know that I wrote a song for Peter Rabbit?
No.
What's Peter Rabbit?
Peter Rabbit.
Are you familiar with the character Peter Rabbit?
Vaguely. It's a children's thing?
Yeah, he's a little rabbit.
He wears a blue coat.
Okay, yep.
And it's--
Originally--
Copy that.
Little kids have them, like these little white books
that are by Beatrix Potter.
There's a whole large-- like a Peter Rabbit universe.
Yep.
Takes place in rural England.
It's very sweet.
When I was a kid, I always liked Peter Rabbit.
I had a Peter Rabbit stuffed animal.
So anyway, the director hit me up
because they were using a bunch of Vampire Weekend songs
in the movie, or they wanted to.
Oh, wow.
Is the movie out?
Yeah, it's been out for like four weeks.
How's it doing?
It's doing solid.
You know, I felt like--
Can we bring in the RA?
Well, first, let me tell you something.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
They're like, "We want to use a bunch of Vampire Weekend songs
in the movie."
And I was like, "All right."
They were like old songs.
Wow.
It was like M79 and stuff, and I was like, "That's cool."
And then they said, "Oh, and also,
would you want to write some original music for it?"
And I was like, "I could try to write a song.
Oh, also, James Corden is the voice of Peter Rabbit."
Friend of the show.
So they were like, "Can you write a song
for James Corden to sing as Peter Rabbit?"
And I gave it a try, and at first came up with something weird.
And then as we worked on it, I realized it's like really annoying
to write something with the hard constraints of like a film.
Yeah.
Because, you know, I had like a lot of like talks to the director about like--
he was like, "Well, we want it to be kind of this theme."
Because in the movie, there's a lot of talk about
the Mr. McGregor puts up a fence
and doesn't want to let the rabbits in to the garden,
wants to kill them.
So he's like, "Maybe it's this theme about like no fences,
and what does it really mean to be a hero?"
Because that's Peter Rabbit's journey and stuff.
So I tried to like figure it out a little bit.
We worked on it, and he helped me with the lyrics,
and we made this song.
So my demo, of course, was like--
they wanted to be kind of like a kids' movie thing,
but I'm just like a laid-back, chilled-out dude.
So my demo is pretty chilled out.
It wasn't quite what they were looking for,
although they ended up putting this like at the real end of the credits,
which take like 10 minutes because there's so many animators.
Second song on the credits?
The credits--no, it's like the fourth song.
The credits are so long because it's like 10,000 animators worked on it.
Oh, my God.
This is my demo for Peter Rabbit.
Trying to be playful.
Yeah.
A few references to the film.
Nice.
Ooh.
This was originally the chorus,
but they said they needed a bigger chorus,
so I wrote this part.
Try to get a high note up in there.
French press and a blade of hay.
That was one that I insisted on.
That's great.
[laughs]
I think one of the original lines I wrote was like--
♪ I love you, baby ♪
I always like "I love you, baby" in songs.
They thought that wasn't quite right for Peter Rabbit.
Love this demo, man.
I was also--because they were using a lot of early vampire,
so I tried to go for an early vampire type chord progression.
Ooh, is that you singing all those parts?
Yeah.
Nice, dude.
Although shout out to Greg Kirsten.
We worked on the demo together.
He did most of the arrangement of the backup vocals.
So that was my little demo for Peter Rabbit.
I referenced the wrong side of McGregor's Wall.
I talk about carnivores because there's a fox,
and at one point I talk about Tiggy Winkle,
who is a porcupine character.
Then we had to do a more pumped-up version for Peter Rabbit to sing.
This is James Corden as Peter Rabbit.
This is at the end of the movie.
Everything's been resolved.
It's all good.
The couple came together.
So this is the whole other song that you wrote.
No, this is the movie version.
Okay.
So this is James Corden as Peter Rabbit, more pumped up.
Oh, BPM.
Yeah, BPM is kicked up.
Slightly different lyrics, too.
Here we go.
More pumped up.
I like it.
Probably more appropriate for--
Sure, the end of the movie.
Yeah.
It reminds me so much of a Paul McCartney song.
Well, no, the chorus that they made you to write,
that does remind me of Paul McCartney, Circa Revolver.
The first two parts that you wrote remind me of--
Like when Paul would write--
Good Day Sunshine or something.
Right.
So you get the idea.
Peter Rabbit came out, and immediately,
it was mired in controversy.
I miss this.
What happened?
There's a part in the movie,
and I should preface this by saying
I don't have any serious allergies.
Nobody in my family does, so I don't know.
Where is this going?
[laughter]
So basically, the film Peter Rabbit--
And I think when there first was a trailer,
some Beatrix Potter traditionalists
didn't like this fast-talking James Corden Peter Rabbit
because, you know, the books are very sweet
and kind of quiet feeling.
And in this--
You know, he's this fast-talking guy.
He's very self-referential.
There's a lot of breaking the fourth wall.
It's a postmodern--
It's a postmodern Peter Rabbit.
At one point, Peter and the main human guy,
they get kind of in like a love triangle,
you know, rivalry thing.
Okay.
Wait, there's a human and a rabbit
after the same lady?
Well, the rabbit has like a crush on her.
It's kind of like Rushmore.
He doesn't have a chance, but he--
This is inappropriate for show.
[laughter]
You can't have a rabbit lusting after a female woman.
I think they handled it correctly.
I don't know.
But there's a part where he's watching--
He and his rabbit friends or family
are watching the two humans interact,
and he's watching with contempt
because he hates this guy.
And to be fair, this guy's been trying to kill him
because this guy--
This is the new Mr. McGregor, and he hates rabbits.
So Peter Rabbit is watching these two people fight.
Yeah.
He's watching them have a conversation.
And he hears the guy say to her, you know,
she offers him a blackberry something,
and he goes, "Oh, I'm very allergic to blackberries."
And then Peter Rabbit is up there and goes,
"Oh, my God.
Everybody's allergic to something now."
Uh-huh.
"Oh, really? You're allergic to blackberry?"
I mean, we've all heard somebody make a joke
about how everybody's allergic to gluten now.
Sure.
So it was a very kind of like L.A. type joke.
And then one of his friends goes,
"Well, you know, Peter, some people have
very serious life-threatening allergies."
And then Peter-- this is all in the movie.
Peter goes, "Of course, of course."
And those people struggle and suffer,
and our heart goes out for them,
and we don't want to get any letters.
So let me be very clear that some people
do have real allergies.
This is in the movie?
This is in the movie because--
I like the sound of this movie.
It's very-- yeah, like I said,
Peter Rabbit's always cracking jokes and stuff.
Is this rated G?
I think so.
So Peter makes this joke that he doesn't believe
this guy seriously has an allergy.
Yeah, yeah.
And then later in the movie,
they're fighting him kind of Home Alone style,
and they shoot a blackberry into his mouth,
and the guy falls to his knees
and has to administer an EpiPen to save himself.
And the rabbits feel a little bit ashamed about it.
But anyway, so when the movie came out,
there was briefly-- the first week it came out,
there was like a Boycott Peter Rabbit campaign
by the parents of children with allergies.
Come on.
Well, that's the question.
I saw a lot of people--
Come on!
I saw a lot of people making that point,
and then I was thinking about it,
and I was like, "Well, if your kid
was, like, deathly allergic to blackberries,
and then you're in a movie theater full of kids,
and you see a bunch of kids laughing about
somebody using an allergy against somebody,
that could be stressful."
It'd be uncomfortable, for sure.
I don't think--
But that's it.
Yeah.
I mean--
I mean, being allergic to [bleep]
must be stressful.
My wife is allergic to fish and nuts of all stripes.
Almonds, peanuts.
Oh, so you're--
No joke.
We had an EpiPen scenario a few months ago.
At a restaurant, there was--
You ordered the almond-crusted tilapia?
[laughs]
There was some, like, stupid almond dressing
on some Brussels sprouts, something dumb.
Oof.
First bite in, she was like, "Uh-oh."
She feels her throat closing up,
the things of that nature.
Yeah, and we just, like, got in an Uber.
To the hospital?
Oh, yeah.
She didn't have her EpiPen on her.
Oh.
That was kind of a harsh reminder to be like,
"You know what?"
Always roll with EpiPen.
Roll with it.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
I just want to say one last thing about it.
Like I said, the filmmakers tried to do a disclaimer
in the film about how allergies are serious.
I guess what this just goes to show is,
like, with a kids' movie,
maybe there's only so much post-modernity
you can get away with, so much ironic detachment.
That's really for the adults.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like--
The kid's not going to find that funny.
Right.
The kid's not going to be like,
"Ooh, that's self-aware."
Yeah, exactly.
So, you know, I can--
Like a 6-year-old being like, "Wow."
"Were you upset about that allergy part?"
"Well, no, Mom.
"Remember that really self-aware,
"kind of breaking the fourth wall moment
"where Peter Rabbit made a joke about how--"
"Yeah, of course not."
So, anyway, I can see why the filmmakers thought it was okay,
but at the same time, the reaction--
Anyway, it is a sweet film,
and it's doing pretty good at the box office.
Great, man.
It's at 84--
Ooh!
84 mil domestically.
What was the budge?
50.
50?
Okay.
It's made 16 mil in China so far.
Oh, wow.
Hasn't opened in the U.K. yet.
So your song's getting out there, man.
The funny thing is,
I was also thinking about the fact that,
like, the Vampire Weekend song's in it.
There's M79 at some moment,
Cousins at a moment,
and I think The Kids Don't Stand a Chance.
Oh, dude.
And I was, like, thinking about--
Are there other bands on the soundtrack?
Yeah, Portugal the Man is in it.
Oh, okay, friend of the show.
♪ I'm a rebel just for kicks now ♪
And Vampire Weekend,
we've always had this kind of, like, point of view
that when a kids movie has to use a song,
we're kind of like, "Hell yeah."
And Peter Rabbit actually is, like, a pretty good movie,
but we're not gonna be like,
"Who's directing?
What was their previous work?"
You know, like, we're just gonna be like,
"It's a kids movie. It's cool. Like, why not?"
But then it's funny.
I was talking about it with somebody,
and they were like,
"Well, you know, with Peter Rabbit,
"it's, you know, not just the kids.
"You're probably reminding some of the parents
"about some of that early V-dubs
"they might have enjoyed back in the day."
And I was like, "Holy [bleep]."
Yeah, man.
That blew my mind.
The parents were freshmen in college,
falling in love with the person down the hall.
Yeah.
Smash cut 11 years later.
First Vampire Weekend album,
what about 10 years ago?
Okay, smash cut 10 years later.
Let's say you're a senior, and--
You've been married for eight years.
Honestly, you could have been a freshman in college
when the first V-dubs dropped.
Yeah.
Have your first kid--
'cause you're 18--
then have your first kid at 24.
Sure.
People do that.
Kids four years old.
Taking them to--
You take the kid to the movie theater.
Peter the Rabbit.
To see Peter the Rabbit.
And then suddenly you hear M79 come over,
that opening harpsichord.
♪ It's gonna take a little time ♪
♪ It's gonna take a little time ♪
♪ Little time to think this through ♪
And you just whisper over to your son,
"Hey, Maverick, Mommy and Daddy used to jam a CD-R of that."
A blue CD-R.
"Back at University of Wisconsin."
"Cool, Dad."
[laughter]
"My cousin was an intern at XL and he bought a blue CD-R."
"Earned a copy."
Shout-out to any young parent who saw Peter Rabbit
and was pleasantly reminded of Vampire Weekend's existence.
Time Crisis with Ezra Koenig.
♪ It's gonna take a little time ♪
♪ While you're waiting like a factory line ♪
♪ I'll ride across the park ♪
♪ Backseat on the 79 ♪
♪ Wasted days you've come to pass ♪
♪
♪ So go, I know you would not stay ♪
♪ It wasn't true, but anyway ♪
♪ I'm the nature, yellow cat ♪
♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪
♪ You walk up the stairs ♪
♪ See the French kids by the door ♪
♪ Up one more flight ♪
♪ See the boot on the second floor ♪
♪ Carbonation, rickshaw drive ♪
♪
♪ So go, I know you would not stay ♪
♪ It wasn't true, but anyway ♪
♪ Racist dreams you should not have ♪
♪
♪ No excuse to be so callous ♪
♪ Dress yourself in bleeding mattress ♪
♪ Charm your way across the Kyber Pass ♪
♪
♪ Stay awake to break the habit ♪
♪ Singing phrases Jackson Crowder ♪
♪ Watch your step along the archer ♪
♪
♪
♪ No excuse to be so callous ♪
♪ Dress yourself in bleeding mattress ♪
♪ Charm your way across the Kyber Pass ♪
♪
♪ Stay awake to break the habit ♪
♪ Singing phrases Jackson Crowder ♪
♪ Watch your step along the archer ♪
♪ Flies ♪
Oh, by the way, we've got kind of a big announcement to make.
Yeah, we do?
Well, Time Crisis has a new email address.
Oh, that's right.
Seinfeld, you already made this announcement on Twitter.
Yeah, on our popular Twitter account, Seinfeld--
I mean, no, that's my Twitter account.
I mean, that's popular, too.
That's very popular.
Time Crisis 2000.
Yeah, so it's 8minutecapecod@gmail.com.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Is it like E-I-G-H-T?
I'm so glad you asked.
It's the numeral eight, not the fully written out word.
So it's the number eight minute spelled out cape cod.
Correct.
Spelled out one word.
Okay, so 8-M-I-N-U-T-E-C-A-P-E-C-O-D @--
Gmail, also one word, and then a period, and then com.
Just like any email construction.
H-T-T-P.
No, it's on a website.
Oh, my bad.
You could use it through a desktop browser.
Okay.
But you know, you'd use your phone.
My inbox was just getting savage.
Because we--previously, as all the TC heads know,
you would just have to track down Jake's email,
and a lot of people did.
And someone wrote in that they Googled me,
and the second thing that came up was Jake Longstreth email.
And I was like, okay, that's it.
I'm pulling the plug on my personal email.
So people who want to email Time Crisis,
it's 8-Minute Cape Cod at Gmail.
And so we announced that,
and we've already been getting some emails to that.
People have been respecting it, which I'm excited about.
They've done the transfer.
So one of the first emails that we got
was a little bit off-brand for us.
Let's go to the Time Crisis mailbag.
It's from a gentleman named Kyle,
and the subject was open relationships.
So, okay, this is not typical TC fare,
but we got a new email address.
It's not Home Depot. It's not Classic Rock.
Yeah, we got a new email address.
We're starting new traditions.
Here's the email.
"Hey, Crisis crew.
"Happy to be reaching out to you
"on something other than Jake's personal/professional email.
"Very polite.
"I'm a long-time listener to the show,
"and I'd like to firstly express appreciation
"for getting me through some extremely late hours
"with wholesome, humorous convos
"that I've re-listened to hundreds of times."
Hundreds?
"Oh, re-listening?
"I've never heard of someone re-listening to TC episodes.
"That's tight."
Heads, dude.
"That's like some real deadhead sh--, man.
"Those guys do a riff in episode 27."
Minute-- like, minute 47.
They go into this whole thing about this hardware store.
"As Ezra would say, I have a question for you.
"What is your collective opinion
"on open relationships/polyamory?"
I don't think we've ever discussed things of this nature.
No, hasn't come up.
So...
"Really shifting gears.
"My girlfriend of about one year has proposed an open relationship
"so she can have physical relationships outside of ours,
"specifically when she goes to Europe in May,
"two months from now, for a full month.
"I'm not particularly into it, as from a male perspective,
"it feels kind of skeezy to flirt with other girls
"simply for physical gratification
"and not maintain the same level of communication
"after the event that you would with a normal relationship.
"Also, the idea of my girlfriend having sex in Europe
"leaves me riddled with anxiety.
"I love her and her family very much, and I want to make this work,
"but I can't help but see myself wanting
"the traditional trappings of monogamy.
"As you both had your presumably monogamous partners
"on the last episode..."
You always said "presumably."
Yeah.
I've never actually asked you that, Jake, about your marriage.
It's not open.
Okay.
Just to-- just to hit for the record,
it's closed.
Lock and key.
"And because I value both of your opinions,
"as well as Seinfeld's," shout-out to Eastern Canada,
"I thought I'd reach out to you for your take on this dilemma.
"P.S. I would love to call in sometime.
"I tried back when you had a number,
"and some girl answered I got scared and hung up.
"Peace, Kyle."
Well, we actually reached out to Kyle and said,
"Yeah, why don't you call in, man?"
Loveline style.
Love.
I don't get enough of it.
Let's see if we can help Kyle.
Now let's go to the Time Crisis Hotline.
[phone ringing]
Kyle, how are you doing, man?
Good, how are you?
Not bad.
We appreciate your e-mail.
We've never gotten one quite like that.
Wow.
But we got a new e-mail address,
so we might as well try some new topics.
Awesome.
So first, you know, Jake and I,
we're very detail-oriented guys,
so we need some background on you, man.
Of course.
Age?
26.
Okay.
What part of the world are you living at?
I reside in Toronto, Canada.
Okay, so you're Canadian.
I am Canadian.
Shout-out to Seinfeld.
Okay, so there might be certain cultural norms
that Jake and I, as Americans,
are unfamiliar with regarding this.
But so first we need to ask you,
are there a lot of open marriages,
open relationships in Canada?
Or do you imagine it's about the same as the U.S.?
I imagine it's about the same as the U.S.,
but they are on the rise, seemingly.
Is your girlfriend also Canadian?
Yes.
Oh, actually, she has Canadian citizenship,
but she was born in Moscow, Russia.
Okay.
Very interesting.
And what line of work are you in?
I am a solutions architect,
which is like a very fancy word for fancy IT work.
Solutions architect.
Yeah, so I basically design back-end systems
for people that sell things online or in stores.
I used to work for a company called Sears, Sears Canada.
Oh, sure.
And before they shut down,
I was trying to reformat their entire back-end website
and their retail stores, but then they ran out of money.
So does any of the problem-solving you do in your line of work
help guide you in the situation at all,
or are you hitting a brick wall?
I am absolutely hitting a brick wall.
It's quite the dilemma.
So what's the latest?
You emailed us a week ago.
I did.
Any updates?
It's pretty chill.
Like, I'm still--like, I love her,
and I know she loves me,
and I know that, like, she hasn't done anything,
like, outside of our relationship.
Well, what part of Europe is she going to?
That's important.
She is going to a few places.
Amsterdam is one of them.
Edinburgh in Scotland is where, like,
one of her friends from, like, university or something lives.
Like, one of her best friends from, like, her childhood, basically.
A dude?
A female.
Okay.
Wait, wait, I got a question.
Wait, what's--
How long is this trip?
Is this, like, a 2-week trip?
It is a 1-month trip.
She's away from, like, the beginning of May
till the end of May, beginning of June.
Okay, so this is not--
It sounds sketchy, dude, right?
It is sketchy.
Like, if it's just a month,
just leaving for a month is not a big deal.
Take your silver spoon
Dig your grave
Heartless challenge
Pick your feather now pray
Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise
Let us go down
Clouds of your lover
Pick their prey
But they never look right out the window
Well, hold on, Jake.
Jake coming in real hot, calling it sketchy.
I'm just trying to go with my gut here.
Okay, I think--
Of course, we've all heard of people
in relationships where they're about to be apart
for a long time.
Sure.
We're all familiar with that logic.
That's like, I'm getting transferred for a year,
we're still in our 20s, you know,
we love each other, let's have an open relationship.
This is something different.
One month, I guess--
A very brief period.
Yeah.
Well, and also, is it something special
about being on another continent?
Wait, so you're in Toronto?
Yes.
So she was just like, "My work's sending me to Ottawa
for three weeks, can we have an open relationship?"
That would be different.
Okay, so--
That would be way different.
So that's a very good perspective.
So is the vibe like she's going to be staying in hostels
with other people in their 20s and partying?
100%.
Uh-huh.
Okay, well, it's not about how do we make this relationship
work over the two years where I'm going to be in,
you know, getting my JD in Puerto Rico,
it's not that type of thing.
It's really a matter of just, like, can you be cool
with, like, some exploratory sexual activity happening?
And I would make the argument, try to be.
And that's what I--
So she proposes to me, like, on New Year's Day, basically.
Yeah.
And so I've been, like, I don't know, dealing with it in a way.
Like, I have this very romantic sense of, you know,
what a relationship should be, I guess.
Well, I mean, I guess one way to look at it, it's 2018.
It's all about taking a new look at traditional structures,
whether it's, you know, awards shows,
whether it's traditional gender roles,
whether it's traditional Doritos gender roles.
Okay, I think--
Jake's shaking his head show, but in matters of the heart,
that's eternal and timeless.
And I don't think you can have a postmodern relationship
if you don't want to.
I'm not sure if I don't want to.
And I'm not saying put the kibosh on this.
It sounds like a tough situation.
It sounds like--
It's a dilemma, man.
She's going to do it regardless.
And I just want to be clear about something, like, you know,
that's her prerogative.
Yeah.
That's right.
So on one level, you've got to play the hand you're dealt.
And also, I can imagine you sound like a mellow dude.
I don't think any halfway reasonable dude would ever want to be
in the position of putting their foot down and telling somebody,
"I don't want you to do something that you want to do."
Like, that's their prerogative.
Yeah.
This kind of sounds like the only advice we can give you is, like,
something's coming.
How do you roll with it?
Right?
Like, that's kind of--there's no--it's happening, right?
Yeah, exactly.
And any sort of, like, sense of trying to stop it feels like I'm objectifying her,
you know what I mean?
Like I'm possessing her.
That's not a cool vibe, exactly.
Let's accept that this is happening.
It is what it is.
How do we deal with things in life that just, like, come at you?
You kind of just got to roll with them and just kind of see where they take you,
I guess.
Is it a don't ask, don't tell policy?
100%.
So let's say she comes back from the trip and you're like, "So, I mean,
I have to ask.
I mean, we had this conversation about being in an open relationship.
Did anything happen?"
Well, that's asking.
You can't ask.
That's why it's called don't ask.
That's asking.
Don't ask.
I have to ask.
Don't ask.
I think we've got something important is that, obviously, like we said,
in a relationship people don't possess each other.
People are free to do what they want to do.
That is what it is.
The part where you can apply your solutions architecture is just in, like,
being like, "This is happening.
If you remotely want to preserve this relationship," and it sounds like she
does, too, "How can you be super, super smart about it?"
Because Jake's right.
If you guys have a DADT policy and she comes back and you're a reasonable guy,
you're not going to be, like, on some, like, "I got to know."
Yeah.
Because if you're going to be like that, then you should just break up.
So hopefully it's not like that.
But you could get into some funny situations if you're just asking about the
trip and you're just like, "In Edinburgh, did you go to any restaurants you
liked?"
And she was like, "Oh, yeah, I actually went to this, like, really fancy place."
Maybe you just shouldn't talk about the trip then.
I want to know about the trip.
I want to know about it.
I want to know if she went to a fancy restaurant.
Who cares?
[Laughter]
Maybe you have to say to her, "Listen, we're both going to be doing our thing
while we're apart and let's both just be very thoughtful about the information we
give each other because you don't want in our first conversation to end up
painting yourself into a corner when you're trying to just tell me about how,
you know, you went to an experimental theater night in Edinburgh and next thing
you know, I'm like, 'Wait a second.'
So you were --"
And the same might be true for you.
So I think that's where you've got to really get into the architecture of,
like --
How do I want to design this?
And also, maybe you guys could do that together.
Like, this is her idea.
You weren't a fan of it, but it sounds like one thing that's cool is that you're
both invested in trying to maintain the relationship afterwards.
That's 100% correct.
I think there's a decent chance that she doesn't hook up with anyone either.
I think this might be a little bit of, like, I want some freedom, you know,
and then it's easy to picture nothing happening.
Are you going to keep following her on social media during the month?
Absolutely.
I don't know.
She's not a user of social media, really.
She's very curated in her selection.
So you've got to make sure that when you get back, there's very strong ground
rules so that you guys can not end up having a conversation you didn't want to have.
That's fair.
But so you have to decide if you want to also partake in the open side of the
open relationship, and it sounds like you have some hesitation about that.
I do.
I don't like the idea of, you know, potentially leading someone on and
potentially, like, not being, you know, fully honest about.
Well, then just be honest with them up front.
If there's someone you have your eye on, you could just be like, "Listen,
my girlfriend's out of town for a month."
I got a hall pass.
Have you ever seen the Owen Wilson film Hall Pass?
No.
I haven't, but I followed the logic.
Yeah.
Let's just do one last, like, exercise.
Okay.
So you don't want to hook up with anybody, and don't do it then.
That's fine.
You really don't have to just do it just to keep up.
Why don't you just plan on--it sounds like you have hesitation about it,
so plan on not hooking up with anybody.
Yep.
Maybe you could just, like, set some other goals for that month,
like sculpting your body.
Yeah.
Do you, like, drink protein shakes and pump iron and things of that nature?
I recently got into making a blueberry almond butter milk,
very simple shake.
Dude, there's a lot of fat in that almond butter, though.
Oh, I like it, though.
It goes well with the blueberries.
What do you recommend instead?
It was organic.
You're going to want to use some coconut water, a scoop of whey protein.
Is this your, like, one that got recommended to you?
This is the one that was recommended to me by the trainer.
Just all I know is that almond butter with, like, real fitness geeks
has a mixed reputation because it's, like, super caloric.
TC just all over the place today.
I honestly think you should really set yourself, like, a deep task for the month.
I like the fact that you're not on some, like, well, if she's open,
then I have to be open, too.
Forget that.
That doesn't sound like that's your gem.
I think for this month you really focus on health and fitness.
Hell, yes.
Is there any reason why you can't?
No.
Do you have a gym membership?
No.
Get one.
I'm sure in Toronto you could get, like, a one-month trial.
Oh, one month?
To Good Life?
Yeah, go to Good Life.
Oh, Seifeld.
I want you to get on the Internet because, first of all,
exercise for most people or for a lot of people,
it makes you feel pretty, like, gives you a real even keel.
Like, you know, when you're, like, super stressed out
and if you heard your girlfriend was hooking up with another person in Amsterdam,
you'd be all crazy.
But then sometimes when you really exercise, it's almost like being a little bit high,
where, you know, like when sometimes you're on drugs
and you just, like, think about all your problems and you're like,
it doesn't matter, you know?
We're all just humans.
We're all whatever.
So I think I like this idea of using that month to focus on a task,
a self-improvement task, and then having some very clear ground rules for when she gets back.
And also the last thing I'd say is just, like, okay, so visualize.
Nobody likes the idea of, like, their significant other--
well, I guess some people--it's actually--it's a lifestyle.
People are old.
Some people do.
You found out that your girlfriend had a brief hookup on another continent with somebody else.
What really changes?
Can you mentally get over that?
Do you think it's possible?
I feel very optimistic.
I feel good, positive vibes.
And you're going to feel even better after that month of whey protein and lifting weights and stuff?
I bet.
It's like a meditation.
It's like, you know, Jake always talks to that--like the uncle being like, "Marriage is hard work."
I don't know.
There is something interesting about the intellectual challenge, which we all forget from time to time.
You know, like if you ever find that the pain or however you feel about this is too much,
then you've got to prioritize your mental health.
But there's also something interesting about saying, like, okay,
this is what this person is asking for.
I'm going to try and see if I can roll with it.
If I can't, that'll be sad.
Breakups are sad.
But if I can, who knows?
Maybe you'll find out that, like, you're stronger than you think.
That's like kind of an interesting challenge to be like, can I roll with something that, you know,
back in the day the average man could not even for a second imagine.
Can I roll with it and see, like, who knows?
Like that's true inner strength.
And then you also have the outer strength from that month.
A buff diesel body.
Yeah, make sure that you have that.
And maybe you could also, I don't know, take down some, like,
Oprah's Book Club books or something in that month.
Just really fill that month with self-improvement.
They're on Jake's New Age playlist.
Oh, so good.
I was listening to it before you called.
You just, like, get a little bit high, go to the gym late night, get on the treadmill.
Just, like, two hours of, like--
White Rainbow and Stephen Halpern.
And you know what I love about this is, like, you have a great attitude.
You're a very supportive boyfriend.
If for whatever reason things are weird when she comes back, then that's going to be sad.
But at least you gave it a try.
And you're also going to be so ready to hit the ground running with your new health regime
and all the knowledge you gleaned from the book club books.
Thank you so much, Ezra.
Thanks, Jake.
No problem.
And I'm going to make you a playlist, man.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Jake's playlist for Kyle.
What is it, May?
Yeah, yeah.
I'll make it in April.
It'll be one of the show's playlists.
I don't know what the theme is.
I guess it's perseverance, inner strength, and we are the champions.
Yeah, it'll just be like--
And peace, love, and understanding.
Ooh.
That's a song right there.
Ooh, blurry.
What's so funny?
That's track one.
Sometimes in a relationship, you got to see if you can understand something that doesn't
fully make sense to you.
This relationship's 101.
I'll admit, this is, like, perhaps an extreme case, but I think you got the best attitude
possible, man.
And I also wish both of you the best of luck, because there might be some complicated emotions
for both of you, but she gets her month in Europe.
You get your month at the gym.
I love it.
Thank you.
Thank you both so much.
Thanks for calling, Kyle.
Hit us with an email in a month or two.
Let us know what happens.
Absolutely.
I'll give you an update.
All right, have a good one, man.
Thanks, both.
You too, guys.
Peace.
We stayed up all night watching a comedy show.
Dead Edge Whiskey and Hydro.
Good Lord, what a nice conversation.
I'm too flawed to get anywhere safely.
You know I talk about your highly.
I'm fascinated for the time being we can laugh until the morning.
We can dance in the hallway.
Only one more night in Los Angeles.
I really thought that I can handle it.
But the funny thing is I was holding back tears.
I didn't think this day would happen.
I'd give all this up for a chance at it.
You would have thought I'd be the man for this.
But the funny thing is we can never say it.
I didn't think this day would happen.
I'm about it till it's over.
I'm about it till it's over.
I'm about it till it's over.
I'm about it till it's over.
I'm about it till it's over.
I'm about it till it's over.
[MUSIC - THE KING, "DOWN TO THE BOTTOM"]
And don't all this new music sound the same?
Yeah, we must be getting old and gray.
We left early, girl, that bear would hit me anyway.
We went home and left our clothes up in the living space.
Say, would you save your heart and have the power?
Or would you run and find another life to imitate?
It's important that we make the best of short time.
You can never be my one and only anyway.
Can't a young man dream?
Can't we all have the life on the widescreen?
What's the point?
Yeah, we had fun if only for the time being.
I'm about it till it's over.
Well, that was something new.
First, I got to also say to all the listeners,
Jake and I are not licensed therapists.
We're just really shooting from the hip.
Yeah.
That call is very "Love Line" style, just like off the cuff.
Love, I don't get enough of it.
Did you ever listen to "Love Line"?
I used to listen to that when I was delivering pizzas.
I remember there was a show called "Love Phones"
with Dr. Judy that was on New York radio.
Maybe "Love Line" was West Coast.
It was Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.
Right, I remember when they were on TV.
Right.
But I never heard them on the radio.
I mean, it's a tough one, but, you know,
sometimes with things like that that are really shocking,
sometimes you got to get over the shock and be like,
all right, what's the actual problem here?
Right.
Real quick, remember how we kept listening over and over again
to that Diet Coke ad with Gillian Jacobs?
Look, here's the thing about Diet Coke.
Deja vu.
It's delicious.
It makes me feel good.
Makes me feel good.
Life is short.
If you want to live in a yurt, yurt it up.
If you want to run a marathon, I mean, that sounds super hard,
but, okay, I mean, just do you, whatever that is.
And if you're in the mood for a Diet Coke, have a Diet Coke.
Diet Coke.
Because I can.
Almost Vampire Weekend light on the instrumentation.
[Humming]
Yeah, a little bit.
[Humming]
[Laughter]
So we talked about what a strange ad it is
and the kind of new campaign for Diet Coke.
Nothing about dieting or, you know, less calories anymore.
It's literally just, listen, some people are into being healthy.
Some people just want to do what they want to do.
I drink Diet Coke because I can.
I've heard the rumors.
I've heard that it's bad for you.
I've heard it causes cancer, but I don't care.
It's this kind of weird, like, last-ditch effort on the part of Diet Coke.
Kind of their backs against the walls, just trying to be like--
They're on the ropes.
It's a very Don Draper-selling cigarettes in the early '60s vibe.
That's just kind of like, everybody thinks cigarettes cause cancer.
How do we, like, sell this product?
And it's like, okay, so we've got some of these poindexters
saying that cigarettes cause cancer.
Well, everybody's going to die.
But did you have freedom while you were alive?
Lucky strike, because I can, because I'm an American.
You fought in the Korean War.
Now you're home in the suburbs.
Your wife's telling you what to do.
Your boss is telling you what to do.
Even your kids are telling you what to do.
And now you've got some egghead scientists telling you
you can't smoke cigarettes?
That's one of the only things that got you through being a POW.
It's something that makes you think of brotherhood, freedom.
That used to be your only taste of freedom when you were behind those bars.
Lucky strike, because you can.
So anyway, we had an eagle-eared TC head hit up the Time Crisis Twitter
and sent us this from the UK.
Look, here's the thing about Diet Coke.
It's delicious.
Delicious.
It makes me feel good.
You know what else makes me feel good?
Athleisure.
Because it's comfy casual.
Look, life is short.
If you want to live in a yurt, yurt it up.
If you want to run a marathon--
Marathon.
Okay.
If you want a Diet Coke, have a Diet Coke.
Diet Coke, because I can.
You know, it's funny.
I guess this happens all the time, but I can't think of the last time
I just came across two identical commercials for the US and British market.
They really felt like Gillian Jacobs couldn't deliver that message
to the people of the UK.
They should do regional ones too in the UK and the US.
Oh, yeah.
Like a southern one.
Here's the thing about Diet Coke.
Matthew McConaughey doing, here's the thing about Diet Coke.
It's delicious.
You want to live in a yurt?
Oh, yeah, it would totally work.
Matthew McConaughey just driving the Lincoln.
You want to live in a yurt?
Yurt it up, my friend.
You want to run a marathon?
Well, that sure sounds hard.
Take it easy there, Pancho.
Yeah.
So, anyway, the only difference with the UK version is that she goes--
You feel good?
Athleisure.
Because it's something casual.
Look, life is short.
What's athleisure?
You want to live--
Like softball?
[laughter]
No, athleisure is kind of like kind of fancier jogging/yoga/athletic plus leisure,
meaning that a cool look that you maybe back in the day would only wear to the gym,
now you can wear it to the restaurant for lunch afterwards.
You know, like a nice pair of yoga pants and a cool hoodie or, you know, some fly nets or something.
I don't know why.
I guess they just decided that would resonate more in the UK.
Athleisure.
You're not going to drink Diet Coke while you're exercising.
Maybe the people in the UK had the brilliant insight that they were like,
"What's something that's actually popular now that's reminiscent of Diet Coke?"
And somebody was like, "I have an idea.
It's like athleisure in it because it's like used to be for like something healthy in it."
Right.
[laughter]
"But now it's like this thing for just mucking about."
Right.
So it kind of makes sense.
It's like the person who's just like smoking a cigarette on a park bench wearing tight black yoga pants,
Nike fly nets, and a very techie windbreaker just slamming a DC.
And you're like, "Did you just come from the gym?"
No.
"Are you on a diet?"
No.
"So why are you wearing athletics gear and drinking a diet soda?"
Because I can, innit?
[laughter]
Piss off.
Piss off because I can.
♪ On the TV, hi ma, Merc MCs ♪
♪ Want a mic to my palm ♪
♪ Lyrics for lyrics, calm ♪
♪ Yeah, you got Merc last week ♪
♪ Couldn't even get a rewind, that's peak ♪
♪ Couldn't get out your punchlines on time ♪
♪ Now you wanna diss me, oh, god, what a cheat ♪
♪ Sidewinder, you got air on the roads ♪
♪ Eskimo dance, you was spitting off beat ♪
♪ Lord of the mics, you was spitting that heat ♪
♪ But right now, your bars ain't on fleek ♪
♪ You don't wanna clash, me, you would get Merced ♪
♪ Berry MC, six feet in the dirt ♪
♪ I know you saw the police outside ♪
♪ You saw the blood on that man's shirt ♪
♪ Got rude, that didn't work ♪
♪ The girl looks like she don't work ♪
♪ Man wouldn't beat that even if I was burst ♪
♪ Hit me on the radio, walk one ♪
♪ See me on the TV, hi ma ♪
♪ Merc MCs want a mic to my palm ♪
♪ Lyrics for lyrics, calm ♪
♪ Hit me on the radio, walk one ♪
♪ See me on the TV, hi ma ♪
♪ Merc MCs want a mic to my palm ♪
♪ Lyrics for lyrics, calm ♪
- I think they probably correctly assumed
that Diet Coke and Athleisure have something in common.
They're both like in this funny,
they're like adjacent to like a healthy lifestyle,
but they, you know what I mean?
- Right, right, right, signifiers of.
- Right, and that's definitely a person
wearing like a fancy kind of sweatsuit type thing,
wearing running shoes, but never runs, drinking Diet Coke.
- Just brand new gleaming running shoes.
- Yeah, and then drinking a brand new gleaming DC silver can.
- Getting in that Lexus SUV.
- Yeah.
- Hopping into the Whole Foods.
- Uh-huh.
- But they're not selling Diet Coke there.
- That's hilarious.
- Trying to make a separate stop.
- I could do it. - Like the Vans.
Get that 12 pack.
- Yeah, you get a case of DC delivered to the house
via Amazon Prime.
- Nice.
- Every two weeks, and so you always have that
in the second fridge.
(laughing)
How funny is that concept?
- Second fridge in the garage.
(laughing)
The like immaculate garage.
- Yeah.
- Did you have a second fridge growing up?
- No.
- We did not.
- We had a chest freezer.
- In the garage?
- In the basement, it was terrifying.
- Oh really?
- Frozen meat.
- In the chest freezer.
- In the chest freezer.
- In the basement.
- There's no second fridge though.
- We only had one fridge.
We were a one fridge household.
We're also a one shower household.
- Growing up?
- Yeah.
- We were for a while, and then in '87, my parents--
- Got a second shower.
- Yep.
(laughing)
When I was 10.
(laughing)
Babe was five.
- A major development.
- Yeah, '87 man, the addition.
- I totally remember, it's like such a vibe
when you go over to somebody's house,
and the kid be like, "Want a root beer?"
And you be like, "Okay," he's like, "Come with me."
(laughing)
- Yeah, so that's the other wing of the house.
And you're like, "What is this?"
- It was either be in the basement or the garage.
And there are definitely kids where that was so gnarly.
I guess this probably happens less
as people become somewhat more health conscious.
But I feel like back then in the '90s,
it would be that the kids who would have these two,
two fridge households, it would be that the one
is like the kitchen, of course, fridge.
And then the other one was basically the soda fridge.
And so sometimes you go down and these kids
just be like sun-kissed.
- Right, just a cornucopia of soda.
- Yeah.
- I'm also wondering if there's somebody
who's shopping at Whole Foods once a week,
'cause that's what the family wants,
and they're trying to be healthy,
but they drink so much Diet Coke,
and they're just like, "I'm not gonna drink
"whatever kind of bullsh*t soda they have
"over at Whole Foods."
So every time I'm about to roll to Whole Foods,
I always go to the second fridge, grab a Diet Coke,
and just like this parent just pounding a Diet Coke
that they brought from home in Whole Foods
as they shop for presumably organic foods.
- I love it.
Wait, I'm still hung up on you guys having one shower.
All the way through both you and your sister
graduating high school?
Family of four, one shower.
- Family of four, one shower.
There were three bathrooms.
- Whoa.
- But only one shower.
- So three crappers, one shower.
- Yes.
- So was that like a log jam in the morning
on like a weekday?
- No, we would all wake up at such different times.
'Cause my dad worked on movies.
- So he'd have like random hours.
- He would have like the 4 a.m. alarm and sh*t like that.
- It was just like you and Emma in the morning, just like.
- Yeah, my mom then would probably wake up
at like six or something.
And then for me, school started at eight.
So I was probably in the shower at 7.45 straight up.
- Oh really?
- Uh-huh, I'm a late riser.
Yeah, actually I have a memory that at one time
they redid the bathroom with the shower.
So that one was out of commission.
- Yep.
- So my dad built a temporary shower in the basement.
- What?
- Yeah, very handy guy.
I don't even remember how it worked.
It was like, he had to turn on this like big nasty sink
next to the washing machine.
And he used a garbage bag.
- He had to turn the.
- Yeah, he created some sort of draining mechanism.
And I think it involved just black garbage bags.
It worked.
- Sounds awesome.
- That was pretty tight actually.
You know those basement shower days
were some of the best of my life.
At the time as a kid, I felt, well,
why can't I use the regular shower?
Come on guys, can we wait it to renovate?
But looking back.
- Scott's house has two showers.
Brian's house has three showers.
- Anyway, TC heads, we wanna get some emails from you.
We wanna know how many fridges and how many showers
you had in your house growing up.
- How about now, fridge wise?
- What, at my parents' house?
- No, no, at your spot.
- Oh.
- One or two?
Three.
- Wait, fridges or showers?
- Fridges.
- I have never had an abode with more than one fridge.
(laughing)
- Just you wait, man.
- Oh yeah, I'm saving up.
- I guarantee you, within the next five years.
- I'll have multiple fridges?
- You're gonna have a multiple fridge house.
- It's what I've been working for my whole life.
It depends how the next vampire album does.
- Yep, that's true.
♪ New watch alert ♪
♪ Heel blows ♪
♪ Order big face Rolly, I got two of those ♪
♪ Arm out the window through the city ♪
♪ Off into a slope ♪
♪ Cut back, snap back ♪
♪ See my cut through the holes ♪
♪ Damn easy to hold ♪
♪ Where the hell you been ♪
♪ Niggas talking real reckless ♪
♪ Stuntman ♪
♪ I adopted these niggas ♪
♪ Put a drum in them ♪
♪ Now I'm about to make 'em tuck they home summer in ♪
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪
♪ Why I'm about to go dumb again ♪
♪ They ain't see me 'cause I pulled up in my other Benz ♪
♪ Last week I was in my other other Benz ♪
♪ Throw your diamonds up ♪
♪ 'Cause we in this bitch nuts again ♪
♪ Total shoot fresh ♪
♪ Looking like wealth ♪
♪ I'm 'bout to call a paparazzi on myself ♪
♪ Live from the Mercer ♪
♪ Run up on Yeezy the wrong way I might murk it ♪
♪ Flea in the G450 I might surface ♪
♪ Political refugee asylum can be purchased ♪
♪ Everything's for sale ♪
♪ Got five passports I'm never going to jail ♪
♪ I made Jesus walks I'm never going to hell ♪
♪ Contour level flow is never going on sale ♪
♪ Luxury rap ♪
♪ The Irma is a versus ♪
♪ Sophisticated ignorance ♪
♪ Write my curses in cursive ♪
♪ I get it custom ♪
♪ You a customer ♪
♪ You ain't custom to going through customs ♪
♪ You ain't been nowhere high ♪
♪ And all the ladies in the house got 'em showing out ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit you up, man, yeah, nah ♪
- You're listening to Time Crisis on Beat One.
- I had this one friend whose dad
had a second fridge and freezer.
(laughing)
These stories.
He had a second fridge and freezer unit in the garage,
and in the freezer it was frozen McRibs.
(laughing)
And they would go on,
they would go on,
on special or whatever it was every year or two,
and this guy would go--
- This sounds familiar, man.
- Did I tell a story on this show?
- It might have really--
- TC hits, episode 14,
Jake actually told the story about the frozen McRibs.
- That's interesting, we weren't tackling it
from the same angle, though.
(laughing)
Oh wait, so they would go to McDonald's and buy a bunch of--
- Yeah, this guy Lonnie,
Lonnie's dad would go buy 40 orders of McRibs,
and they would just be in the freezer,
and then I remember one time,
Lonnie was like, "Okay, let's grab some and microwave 'em."
And we did, and it ruled.
We were playing Nintendo,
this was like circa 1988,
microwaving some McRibs.
- Was that like a covert operation?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, Lonnie's dad would not appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was his stash.
(laughing)
The frozen McRibs, dude, epic.
- Lonnie's dad just coming in, "Hey Lonnie, Jake."
- Last time I looked, I had a 38 count.
(laughing)
- And I'm down to 36.
Jake, I see a slightly reddish-brown tint
decreasing your mouth.
Lonnie's dad.
- Lonnie's dad, this is kinda getting a little dark,
but Lonnie's dad would also tape sex scenes.
I remember we found this blank tape.
He had like a wall of just VHS
in his suburban basement,
and it was all just like movies taped off the TV.
So it'd just be like, "Rainbow First Blood."
And so if you wanna watch that, you can watch it.
- Yeah, they'd have like half of the commercial,
and then come--
- Classic, dude.
Back to the Future, all that stuff.
And then there was like an unmarked tape,
and you're like, "What's this?"
And then it was all just like sex scenes.
Not out of porn films.
It was like sex scenes out of just like
movies on like Cinemax or like Showtime.
At like two in the morning.
I remember just us--
- Lonnie's dad's sexual Megamix.
- Dude, that was his mixtape.
Clearly a time before the internet.
- Oh my God, just like him working on it.
Like checking the TV guide and being like,
"Oh, Red Shoe Diaries is playing at 1.45 a.m.
"I gotta get up, get down there,
"pop that VHS in, microwave a McRib,
"and tape."
'Cause like, super mild sex scene.
- That would really take some work back then.
- Oh my God, dude.
You gotta be covert too, man.
It was a one TV household.
- Do you know this Bill Withers song, "Grandma's Hands"?
- Mm-mm.
- I keep thinking-- - Good title.
- It was sampled for No Diggity.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
♪ Mm, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Mm, grandma's hands ♪
♪ Clapped in church on Sunday morning ♪
- Talk about tasteful palate of the 1970s.
- Hell yeah.
♪ Played a tambourine so well ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Used to issue out a warning ♪
♪ She'd say, "Billy, don't you run so fast ♪
♪ Might fall on a piece of glass ♪
♪ Might be snakes there in that grass ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
- Anyway, the first time you said Lonnie's dad
just made me think of grandma.
♪ Lonnie's dad ♪
♪ Ate McRibs on Sunday morning ♪
♪ Lonnie's dad ♪
♪ Had a second fridge at home ♪
♪ Unmarked VHS tape ♪
♪ Lonnie's dad ♪
♪ Taped the sex scenes off of Showtime ♪
♪ Lonnie's dad ♪
I don't know why that popped in my head.
(laughs)
We'll workshop that a little bit.
Just try to get a full four minute Bill Withers parody.
- Man, suburban basements.
(laughs)
Just like inherently uncomfortable.
- Creepy.
That's like kind of some of my earliest cultural memories
is like being in somebody's basement playing NES.
- Yep.
- Probably in like 1990.
I can remember 1990.
I can't remember much about it.
- Wow, you were young in '90.
- I'm in six.
- Yeah, playing video games at six?
- Sure. - I think so.
- Sounds young to me, but that's the generation gap.
- That's right.
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Sue the local unwed mother ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Used to ache sometimes and swell ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Used to lift her face and tell her she'd stay ♪
♪ Baby, grandma understands ♪
♪ That you really love that man ♪
♪ Put yourself in Jesus' hands ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Used to hand me a piece of candy ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Pick me up each time I fell ♪
♪ Grandma's hands ♪
♪ Boy, they really came in handy ♪
♪ She'd say, "Matty, don't you whip that boy ♪
♪ "What you wanna spank him for ♪
♪ "He didn't drop no apple core ♪
♪ "But I don't have grandma anymore ♪
♪ If I get to heaven, I'll look for grandma's hands ♪
♪ Hmm ♪
- All right, you ready for the top five?
- Yep.
- It's time for the top five.
F-f-f-f-f-five on iTunes.
- We've never done this.
This is actually a top 10.
We're just doing the top 10 songs on iTunes right now.
So you're gonna get a kind of wider variety.
- Will there be variety?
- We'll see.
I think it's just gonna be two top fives back to back.
- The number 10 song.
I guess this one's still on the charts.
You remember this one?
Carrie Underwood, "The Champion" featuring Ludacris.
- Oh God, this is awful.
This was on during the Super Bowl.
- This was the theme song for the 2018 Winter Olympics.
♪ I'll be the last one standing ♪
♪ Two hands in the air ♪
- Yeah, this is that genre we were talking about
of like, we are the champions.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
♪ I'm a soldier, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a fighter like Rocky ♪
- I'm a fighter like Rocky.
♪ I'm a quarterback like Ollie ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm the greatest, I'm strong ♪
- Whatever adversity you're facing in your life,
this'll pump you up.
♪ 'Cause I'm the only thing ♪
♪ I've been working my whole life ♪
♪ And now it's do or die ♪
♪ I am invincible ♪
- This is firing on all cylinders.
This is auto-tune country.
This is fight song with a ludicrous verse.
This is my favorite music.
♪ I am the champion ♪
♪ You don't know my name ♪
♪ You can't hurt me now ♪
♪ I can't feel the pain ♪
♪ I was made for this ♪
♪ Yeah, I was born to win ♪
♪ I am the champion ♪
♪ When they write my story ♪
♪ They're gonna say that I did it for the glory ♪
♪ But don't think that I did it for the fame, yeah ♪
♪ I did it for the love ♪
- Dun-ga-dun-ga, just like--
- I know.
- Kind of like metal guitar tone,
just as like this slight texture.
Dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga-dun.
- Brutal.
- You know what, like we were talking about
if Fleetwood Mac never had a song like that.
- Right.
- You know what's kind of cool is like, in a weird way,
that song makes me think of Edge of Seventeen.
- Mm.
- Stevie Nicks, which is like the most subtle,
subtle version of it.
'Cause actually that song,
always been such an interesting song,
like what's it really about?
- Oh.
- This is so good.
♪ Dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga-dun-ga ♪
This is like, oh, is this about to be like
a Rocky type song?
♪ Just like the one winged dove ♪
♪ Sings a song, sounds like she's singing ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Just like the one winged dove ♪
♪ Sings a song, sounds like she's singing ♪
- Like the chorus is an incomplete sentence.
- It's also like, the strumming pattern
is a little different.
It's not metal.
It's more disco.
- Yeah, but it still feels like it's about to pump you up.
- Oh, for sure.
But you know what I mean?
It's like, the syncopation isn't quite metal.
♪ Baby, nothing else matters ♪
♪ I am a champion ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Well, he can seem brokenhearted ♪
♪ Something within him ♪
♪ Is not a moment ♪
- Like everything about that song
seems like it's about to bust into like,
I am a champion or something.
The verse lyrics seem a little bit like about adversity.
Today it would be like,
♪ Just like the one winged dove ♪
♪ Sings a song, sounds like he's singing ♪
♪ I am a champion ♪
♪ Gonna fly like that dove ♪
It's like, so she takes this image of the white winged dove,
but she kind of never cooks it up
into like some big obvious thing.
All it is, is just like the white winged dove
sings a song, sounds like he's singing.
Such an ambiguous thing, sounds like he's singing.
- I always thought it was one winged dove.
- Oh, is it one winged dove?
- It's white.
You're right, it's white.
- No way, oh, oh, oh, this is a game changer.
(explosion)
- I always thought it was,
♪ Just like the one winged dove ♪
Like he's injured or something.
- I bet you're right.
- I bet you're right.
- Oh, you're right, no, okay.
When you look it up on Google,
it says just like the white winged dove.
- So you're right.
It'd kind of be deeper, my version, right?
One winged dove?
- Yeah.
(laughing)
♪ I am a champion ♪
The cloud never expects it when it rains,
but the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change.
And so with a slow graceful flow of age,
I went forth with an age old desire to please
on the age of 17.
And I know part of the backstory is that
she met like Tom Petty's girlfriend or something,
who is Southern.
And she said, like, how long have you known Tom?
And so she said,
well, I've known Tom since I was the age of 17.
- Oh, wow.
- And then Stevie misheard age of 17 as edge of 17.
- And then 40 years later, I mishear it as one winged dove.
- Right, so maybe it's your destiny
to write a song called "One Winged Dove."
Jake's just doing like a heartbreaking acoustic ballad.
♪ It's the one winged dove ♪
♪ 'Cause baby I'll fly to you ♪
♪ Like a one winged dove ♪
♪ Limping on the ground ♪
- Yeah, maybe it's something about a,
♪ 'Cause a one winged dove can't fly ♪
♪ But a one winged dove can walk ♪
♪ I drag my ass to you ♪
♪ Come hell or high water ♪
This is our Florida Georgia line song.
- Yeah.
♪ 'Cause I'm a one winged dove ♪
♪ Baby I'm a one winged dove ♪
♪ But I'm still a dove ♪
♪ You won't see me flying ♪
♪ Way up above ♪
♪ You might see me waiting ♪
♪ Baby I'm a one winged dove ♪
♪ I might hitch a ride ♪
♪ On the back of a pickup truck ♪
♪ I'm a one winged dove ♪
♪ If you want a two winged dove baby ♪
♪ Well you're out of luck ♪
♪ I'm a one winged dove ♪
The gospel choir comes in.
♪ Baby I'm a one ♪
♪ Baby I'm a one ♪
- So Jake, how did you come up with this song?
I misheard a Stevie Nicks lyric.
- Interesting.
We were an hour and a half in
on an internet radio show.
♪ I am a champion ♪
Oh my God.
We missed the ludicrous verse.
- Yeah, we don't need to hear that again.
- Yeah, we're good.
- The number nine song.
We actually have some crossover
with the Oscar nominated songs.
- Uh oh.
- That song from the greatest showman,
This Is Me,
was the number nine song on iTunes right now.
(sighs)
(laughing)
Just more of that same,
just like,
schmaltzy pump up music.
♪ I am not a stranger to the dark ♪
♪ Hide away, they say ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't want your broken parts ♪
♪ I've learned to be a shadow ♪
- The verses are always dark.
Some people don't want you,
you've been through some (beep)
you've been traumatized.
♪ No one will love you as you are ♪
♪ But I won't let them break me down to dust ♪
♪ I know that they're just ♪
- Then kind of pivots on the pre.
♪ For we are glorious ♪
♪ And the sharpest words wanna cut me down ♪
(imitates guitar)
- Yep, there it is.
♪ I'm a strand of blood gonna drown 'em out ♪
(imitates guitar)
♪ I am brave, I am bruised ♪
♪ I am who I'm meant to be ♪
♪ This is me ♪
♪ So now 'cause here I come ♪
- Yeah, this isn't really like pop music.
This is more like Broadway musical.
- It's kind of like a form of pop music.
♪ I make no apologies ♪
- I mean, it also reminds me of like super--
- Oh yeah, here's some pop (beep)
- Like Post Mumford?
- What? Coldplay, there's a lot of--
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh's are always like a go-to.
- It's such an empty trope.
God, it's terrible. - That was a funny one.
Also, it's funny that like,
I guess this is from the musical film
and it's very possible that's the woman
who sings it, Keila Settle.
Maybe she sings it in the film,
but I like to imagine that actually in the film,
Hugh Jackman sings that.
- Does he?
- I don't know, but it would be hilarious to imagine
just like this happens kind of the beginning of act three.
P.T. Barnum is really down on his luck.
The mayor of Baltimore said that the circus could not go up.
He said he didn't want to see any damn elephants in his city
and P.T. Barnum just like didn't know what to do
and he's like really depressed.
But then he gets a bright idea
about how he can save the circus.
♪ Another round, it's my spin ♪
♪ Well, fire away ♪
♪ 'Cause today I won't let the crazy rain ♪
- Dudes with like 19th century handlebar mouse
and pistachios. - Right, just singing this.
♪ Say I'm for you ♪
♪ That's what we're here for ♪
- You know how tight it would be
a P.T. Anderson film about P.T. Barnum?
- Oh yeah, that'd be great.
- That seems totally up his alley.
- With Daniel Day?
- Oh my God. - Of course.
♪ I'm a sharp swipe for a copycat ♪
♪ It's the 19th century ♪
♪ I'm gonna send a flood, I'm gonna drown them out ♪
- Can you imagine running a circus back then
and just like without semi-trucks and like,
(laughing)
just like transporting elephants like on trains and stuff?
It seems crazy.
- Yeah, and horse-drawn carriages and carts.
- Moving elephants across the Atlantic.
- On a boat. - Ugh.
- P.T. Barnum was no hero. - So sad.
- I don't know, I'll see the movie one day.
- The number eight song right now.
Jake, do you remember who Camila Cabello is?
- Sure, of course.
- What's her like big hit?
- The Cuban one.
- That's right, Havana.
What-- - East Atlanta, that one.
- That's right, what group was she in?
- I have no idea.
What was it? - Fifth Harmony.
So this is another song that we haven't heard yet
on the Time Post. - Oh really?
Oh, it's not the same one?
- No, but it's from the same album.
- Okay.
- It's called "Never Be the Same."
(soft music)
- Whoa.
Oh, I've heard this song, I like this song.
- Cool tones.
- This song's cool.
Yeah, this is like some like late '90s indie,
like keyboard through distortion pedal.
- Yeah.
♪ Something must have gone wrong in my brain ♪
♪ Got your chemicals all over my veins ♪
- Yeah, this is a great song.
She does something pretty interesting on the pre-chorus.
♪ I feel all the pain ♪
♪ Let go of the wheel, that's the bullet lane ♪
♪ Now I'm seeing red, now I'm thinking straight ♪
♪ Blurring all the lines, you intoxicate me ♪
♪ Just like nicotine, heroin, morphine ♪
♪ Suddenly I'm a fiend and you're all I need ♪
♪ All I need ♪
- I love that, so cool and weird.
- Yeah.
♪ All I need ♪
♪ It's you, babe ♪
♪ And I'm a sucker for the way that you move, babe ♪
♪ And I could try to remember ♪
- The chorus is a little more stock pop, but.
- Yeah.
- I really like that.
♪ I'm like, get my wheeze ♪
- It's some vibey (beep)
♪ Morphine, suddenly I'm a fiend ♪
♪ And you're all I need ♪
- Trippy.
- Yeah, it's vibey.
- It's kind of like three parts
that don't really go together, but.
- Maybe they're written separately.
- I'm surprised that song is that high.
That's cool.
- She's popping.
She and Charli XCX are about to open for Taylor Swift
on some of her European tour dates.
- That's a great gig.
- Maybe Kyle's girlfriend will see some of those dates
over there in Europe during her trip.
- Shout out to Kyle's girlfriend.
(laughing)
- The number seven song right now.
- Yeah.
- This song made a splash,
'cause it's DJ Khaled featuring future Jay-Z and Beyonce.
- Wow.
- It's called "Top Off".
- I don't think I've heard this one yet.
- It's the lead single from Khaled's
upcoming 11th studio album, "Father of Assad".
Assad is his son.
- Gathered.
- Real too.
(screaming)
I ain't gonna stop.
I see the...
I ain't gonna stop.
I mean...
- We the best music.
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of ♪
- Another one.
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of ♪
♪ I, I, to the top of my Maybach ♪
♪ I, to the top of my Maybach ♪
- DJ Khaled!
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
- This is crazy.
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
♪ I said the top of the Maybach ♪
- What does it mean to you, Jake,
to take the top off a Maybach?
- I thought Maybach was like an appliance, right?
- No.
- Like a washer dryer?
- No, you're thinking a Maytag.
- Oh, you're right.
I took the top off the Maytag.
- That's silly.
I didn't think literally they were singing about that.
- He's talking about taking the top off the Maytag
and you're just like, you know, most Maytag washers,
the top just opens and closes.
You don't have to do anything.
- Right, it's better to call a Sears technician
for them to come out.
- They took the top off the Maytag washer
'cause they're like, when I do my laundry,
I just let that (beep) spin, water goes everywhere.
Do an open-face washer.
- Okay, second guess of what a Maybach is.
- I'm sorry, Maybach or Beck?
- Maybach, well, I don't know exactly.
- M-A-Y-B-O-C-K.
- No, no, M-A-Y-B-A-C-H, like the composer, Bach.
- Oh.
- Maybach, some people say Maybach.
- Oh, wow, I have no idea.
I don't have the first clue.
Is it automotive?
- Yes.
You really never heard of a Maybach?
- No.
- It's a fancy car.
Rick Ross, who had a health scare recently,
glad to hear he's doing okay.
His company's called Maybach Music.
Maybach Music.
- So they're taking the hood off the--
- No, not the hood.
- So they're turning into a convertible,
is what you're saying?
- Yes.
- They're taking the--
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- And I'm really out of my element here.
I mean, I really thought to get to convert a Maybach,
to do it right.
- Yeah, yeah, to do it right.
- I don't know, 15 grand?
- 15?
- I'm just totally guessing.
I mean, a Maybach's a very expensive car.
- I bet it's more.
- More?
- What's the story with that?
First of all, who makes Maybach?
- Maybach.
I mean, that's the name of the company.
- It's not a subsidiary of like BMW or something?
- I mean, it could very well be.
It could be owned by--
- Mercedes?
- Okay, I guess Mercedes owns them now.
But originally it was its own company.
Also German.
So I guess the parent company is now Daimler.
- Do you see those cars just like out on the street?
- Yeah, in like Beverly Hills.
You gotta come out to Beverly Hills more, Jake.
- Let's do lunch over at the Palms.
- I got some Beverly Hills spots.
- What are your spots there?
- I don't know if I wanna say them on air,
but there's some places you'd really like.
- You know what TC heads waiting outside
these spots in Beverly Hills?
- Just some diehard TC heads flying in from overseas.
- What's a Maybach run?
- That's a good question.
How much does--
- MSRP on the Maybach.
With a starting under 190,000.
- Okay.
- The S600, okay, represents considerable value
compared to the last Maybach models.
The 57 cost about twice as much as the S600.
Also it costs like almost--
- Like 400 grand?
- Yeah, 380.
- Something's going on if they're chopping the price in half.
- Okay, but I think the point is like,
I'm going out on a limb here.
I don't have enough context for it,
but I think the point of making a whole chorus
about how you took the top off a Maybach is like,
not only am I rich enough to have
this incredibly expensive car,
I also do what I want with it, you know?
If I wanna make this expensive car convertible,
(beep) it, I'll spend even more money
and I'll decrease the value by doing this.
I just wanna have fun.
- Arguably increasing the resale value 'cause then--
- No, but you know,
collectors don't like aftermarket changes.
- You don't think Jay Leno would wanna buy
Jay-Z's converted Maybach?
- Well, I think in the song,
the Maybach belongs to Future.
- Okay.
- Unless, it depends who's the narrator of the song.
- Jay Leno would definitely wanna buy Future's
retrofitted Maybach.
- Or maybe it's actually,
we should assume that it's DJ,
because the song is ultimately credited to DJ Khaled.
It's his Maybach.
- I think Future took the top off,
but it may not have been like belonged to him.
You know, I took the top off your Maybach.
It's like a surprise.
- Oh, I've--
- Like as a gift or as like a stunt?
- I haven't seen the video yet.
Maybe it's like a Uptown Girl video
where the whole thing takes place at a,
like a, you know, mechanics garage.
And DJ Khaled pulls in and like Future,
or it's like Bruce Springsteen, I'm on fire.
Like DJ Khaled comes in and is like,
"Hey, does anybody work here?"
And then Future's got like grease on his face,
comes out wearing a jumpsuit from under a car.
"Hey, old Joris's man, what do you want me to do?"
"I want the top off this and I want it done by tonight."
"Oh man, sir, we don't have time for that."
- I'll make it worth your while.
- I'll make it worth your while.
Then Future has to cancel his date with Christie Brinkley.
Then Jay-Z and Beyonce come help out.
I don't know, anyway.
So, so far we've covered a few genres.
Pop, hip hop, triumphalist, secular gospel,
whatever you want to call it.
Now we've got some country.
Jason Aldean at number six.
"You Make It Easy."
♪ You make it easy ♪
♪ Like a rainy Sunday morning ♪
♪ Makes me wanna stay in bed ♪
- Side belt's just like, "Nope."
(laughing)
Headphones off.
- It's got a little bit of like, 50s, 60s throwback.
♪ You're my inspiration, girl, you take me places ♪
♪ Put the words right into these songs ♪
- Kind of journey a little bit.
♪ When the lights go out ♪
♪ Stealing kisses undercover, babe ♪
♪ See forever when I see your face ♪
♪ And I swear God made you for me ♪
♪ You make it easy ♪
♪ Runnin' up on you ♪
♪ Make it easy ♪
♪ With every little thing, babe ♪
- This is like identity politics country.
♪ You're my sunshine in the darkest days ♪
♪ My better half, my saving grace ♪
♪ You make me who I wanna be ♪
♪ You make me easy ♪
- That wasn't very satisfying.
I thought it was gonna be, ♪ 'Cause you make it ♪
Like, I thought normally a country song goes,
♪ At the end of an enemy ♪
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
And then there'd be like the little final thing like,
♪ Easy on me ♪
Or like, ♪ You make it easy ♪
♪ Easy to do something, you know ♪
♪ Love you ♪
Yeah.
♪ And mine ain't a deal ♪
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
♪ Easy to love you ♪
- What was it?
- It was, it just ended with, ♪ You make it easy ♪
I was missing that little country punchline.
♪ With every little thing you do ♪
♪ You're my sunshine in the darkest days ♪
♪ My better half, my saving grace ♪
♪ You make me who I wanna be ♪
♪ You make me easy ♪
- You know, isn't that a very unsatisfying ending
to the chorus? - Yeah.
- Or just be like, this is like really bad.
I'm just spitballing here.
It'd be like,
♪ Da na da na ♪
♪ Da na da da da ♪
♪ Da na da da da ♪
♪ Da da na na ♪
♪ You make it easy ♪
♪ 'Cause my life's so hard ♪
Or like some (beep) about, you know, easy or hard.
♪ Da na na ♪
♪ Na wombo ♪
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
♪ When everything else is difficult ♪
- It just leaves you hanging.
(laughing)
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
♪ Full stop ♪
(laughing)
- Yeah, what's the opposite of easy is hard?
Intermediate?
♪ When I wanna quit ♪
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
♪ When my life's on intermediate ♪
♪ You simplify ♪
- Or even just easy, easy on me.
♪ And I wanna see ♪
♪ 'Cause you make it easy ♪
♪ Easy on me ♪
♪ Easy on Sunday morning ♪
- Yeah.
♪ My boss won't give me a promotion ♪
♪ I guess we're just stuck with one fridge ♪
(laughing)
♪ And now there is nowhere ♪
♪ I can store this winter's McRibs ♪
♪ Gotta keep that Coke at room temp ♪
(laughing)
♪ And we're out of ice cubes ♪
♪ And we're out of ice cubes ♪
- Man.
- We'll work it out.
- 'Cause I--
- Who is Jason Aldean?
I mean, I know that name.
What's his story?
- Wait, I'm gonna guess and then we'll look.
- Okay, yeah.
- Jason Aldean is a country musician,
born 1982 in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma,
attended the University of Oklahoma,
where he was in the fraternity Delta Theta Pi.
He moved to Nashville at age 24.
Okay, what's the real (beep)?
- Oh, born February 28th, 1977.
- Ooh, okay, a little older.
- So he's my age.
- Wow.
- February '77, bro.
So he just turned 41.
- He's a total sham, just like born.
- Born in the Haight-Ashbury section of San Francisco.
(laughing)
- Yeah.
Born in Macon, Georgia.
- Okay.
- Parents separated when he was three.
The show is just now me reading Wikipedia page.
(laughing)
I don't know, whatever.
This is long, it's too long for me to deal with,
this like early life stuff.
- Okay, so he's a 41-year-old country musician.
- He was rolling to George Strait,
Hank Williams Jr. in Alabama.
That was his stuff growing up.
- He's good, I know a lot of people like Jason Aldean.
And this song is fine.
I was just expecting a little twist on the chorus.
The next song, finally getting some rock, Imagine Dragons.
- I wonder if he's the oldest guy on the top 10.
Well, I guess Jay-Z's older.
- Oh yeah.
- Jay-Z's like 50, right?
- Well, not yet, he's pushing it.
Jay-Z was born in 1969, born in the 60s.
- Clear.
- Imagine Dragons, whatever it takes.
I don't think we've heard this song yet.
♪ Falling too fast to prepare for this ♪
♪ Tripping in the world could be dangerous ♪
♪ Everybody's circling in this vulture race ♪
♪ Negative, nepotism ♪
♪ Everybody waiting for the fall of May ♪
♪ Everybody praying for the end of times ♪
♪ Everybody hoping they could be the one ♪
♪ I was born to run, I was born for this ♪
♪ Rip, whip, run me like a race horse ♪
♪ Pull me like a ripcord ♪
♪ Break me down and build me up ♪
♪ I wanna be the slip, slip ♪
♪ Word up on your lip, lip ♪
♪ Ready to rip, rip ♪
♪ Break me down and build me up ♪
♪ Whatever it takes ♪
♪ 'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins ♪
♪ I'll do whatever it takes ♪
- Rough.
- This is kind of like a subsection of like the pump up song.
This one's a little more badass.
♪ Whatever it takes ♪
♪ Yeah, take me to the top ♪
♪ I'm ready for whatever it takes ♪
♪ 'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins ♪
- I love the adrenaline in my veins.
(singing)
♪ I wanna be the slip, slip ♪
♪ Never be enough on the polygon ♪
♪ I was born to run, I was born for this ♪
♪ Rip, whip, run me like a race horse ♪
- You say whip whip?
- Whip whip.
♪ Run me like ♪
- I mean, Imagine Dragons is just crushing it.
- Is Phil Collins the like grandfather
of the aspirational triumphant ballad?
- Like--
- Or Peter Cetera?
- I mean--
- Like that mid 80s Cetera Collins stuff?
- Right, so--
- Against all odds, or like,
♪ I am the man who will fight ♪
- Maybe.
♪ For your honor ♪
- That's definitely part of it.
Yeah, and like that song was from the Karate Kid.
- Right.
- Too.
- So it was like kind of like this
aspirational triumphant secular gospel.
It's like taking some of the Cetera Phil Collins stuff.
- And a little touch of hip hop.
- Yeah.
- Make it a little more modern.
- Just a touch of that.
♪ Whip, whip in the mountain ♪
- So now we got another country song.
- A little bit of hard rock.
- A little hard rock back in the country.
The number four song got Bebe Rexha
featuring Florida Georgia Line.
- Love this one.
- I mean, no offense to Jason Aldean,
but this is just like a stronger chorus.
- Right.
Seinfeld's got a big crush on her, right?
- Anytime Bebe wants to come on the show.
- Bebe?
- Yeah, Bebe Rexha.
- You think Bebe Rexha's very beautiful?
- You know, it's about her mind.
It's about just, you know, it's a full package.
- Okay.
A little crush over a little Time Crazies crush.
♪ I got nothing but time ♪
♪ As long as you're right here next to me ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
♪ It'll be, it'll be ♪
♪ So baby just let it be ♪
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
♪ It'll be, it'll be ♪
- This song has legs, man.
It's hanging in.
- And talk about meant to be.
- Ride with me.
- Talk about meant to be.
- This song's been number one on the country charts
for 14 weeks.
- Geez.
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
♪ It'll be, it'll be ♪
♪ Baby if it's meant to be ♪
♪ I don't mean to be so uptight ♪
♪ But my heart's been hurt a couple times ♪
♪ By a couple guys that didn't treat me right ♪
♪ I ain't gonna lie, gonna lie ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm tired of the fake love ♪
♪ Show me what you're made of ♪
♪ Boy make me believe ♪
- You know what's gonna be interesting for Bebe Rexha
is like, this is just kind of random
that she ended up having this massive hit, country hit.
- Yeah.
- You know, she's from New York, she's a pop artist.
This kind of fell into her lap.
So now her biggest hit is gonna be country.
Is she gonna keep chasing country?
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
♪ So won't you ride with me, ride with me ♪
♪ See where this thing goes ♪
♪ If it's meant to be, it'll be ♪
- Well, the song has answered your own question.
- Trap country.
- If it's meant to be, it'll be.
Trap auto-tune country.
♪ See where this thing goes ♪
♪ So come on, ride with me, ride with me ♪
♪ Baby, if it's meant to be ♪
- Have they performed this live together?
- Yeah. - It's in like a workshop.
- Yeah, I was gonna say,
probably at the American Music Awards
or some shit like that.
- That's amazing.
- Beautiful song.
That song actually is inspirational
because at least that song recognizes
that we can't control things in life.
You know, that's a good song to dedicate
to Kyle and his girlfriend.
- Ooh, that'll be track one.
- Okay, so--
- No, I already have a track one for Kyle's playlist.
- Yeah, you don't have to put this on the playlist.
I know this is not your normal pal,
but I just wanna say, Kyle--
- Yeah, I gotta keep it--
- When you first start going in the gym,
you're just trying to clear your mind
and be accepting of your girlfriend's lifestyle decisions
and try to make sure that, you know,
you're not also getting too bummed out.
When you're just (beep) on that treadmill
and you're pushing yourself to the limit,
you're hitting 10 miles per hour on that tread.
(soft piano music)
This could be one of your anthems.
- 645 AM.
♪ Baby lay on back and relax ♪
♪ Keep your pretty feet up on my dash ♪
- It's on the elliptical.
That on loop on the elliptical.
The number three song right now is Drake.
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
- Jake, you know it's like a meme now?
Actually, there's multiple memes inspired by this song.
- No, I don't know.
- And a lot of them center around that line.
- Oh.
- About I only love my bed and my mom, I'm sorry.
- I Love You Partly, that one?
- Yeah.
♪ Don't pull up at 6 AM to cuddle ♪
- Cuddle.
- Have you seen the video yet?
- No.
- In the video, he kinda goes around Miami
giving away money.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, he said that.
- Drake said that the video's the most important thing
he's done in his career.
- The video is, not the act of generosity.
- Well, okay, no, I don't wanna put words in it
if he said it.
- No, I'm just joking.
I mean, what he means is the--
- He'd never given to charity before.
- Right.
- He never had a reason to, and then he made the video.
It's a feel good video.
♪ Might go down in TOD, yeah, wait ♪
♪ Might go hard on Southside G, yeah, wait ♪
♪ If it's meant to be, it'll be ♪
- God's Plan and Meant to Be are both
kinda similar titles.
- Yep.
- God's Plan.
- Out of our hands, dude.
- If it's meant to be.
The number two song right now,
also has a country artist, Maren Morris.
- Who?
- She's a country artist named Maren Morris,
but this is with Zedd and Gray.
I think we talked about how this is like,
basically straight up pop song.
It's called The Middle.
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Take a seat ♪ - Give me The Middle.
♪ Right over there, sat on the stairs ♪
♪ Stay or leave ♪
♪ The cabinets are bare and I'm unaware ♪
♪ Just how we got into this mess ♪
♪ Got so aggressive ♪
♪ I know we meant all good intentions ♪
♪ So pull me closer ♪
♪ Why don't you pull me close ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ I can't just let you go ♪
- That reminds me of something.
♪ Turn it, turn and arrest my body ♪
♪ Turn and arrest the body ♪
♪ Pull me up, pull me on ♪
♪ Loving, you got me going crazy ♪
You remember that song?
- No, what is that?
- Pop songwriters always do that.
They'll like, kind of take melodies
from other classic songs, but recontextualize them.
And maybe I'm going out on a limb here.
- Was it like, Time Crisis Top Five
from like two years ago?
- No, this is, I remember this like when I was in college.
This is actually a somewhat, not very early,
but a kind of notable auto-tune hit in the early days.
Kevin Little.
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Oh yeah ♪
- Could this song have been a slight inspiration
for Zedd?
- Possible.
- This is like mid-2000s.
Sound familiar?
- Not really, actually, but I'm into it.
It gives me like a Lionel Richie vibe or something.
♪ Arrest my body ♪
♪ You got me going crazy ♪
♪ Turn me on, turn me on ♪
♪ Let me charm you ♪
♪ 'Cause I know that around me ♪
♪ You got me going crazy ♪
♪ Turn me on, turn me on ♪
♪ When I got a knuckle, breath with your lies ♪
♪ This is things that not man have to fight ♪
♪ Middle-aged kid that whip and call that's right ♪
♪ Walk on highway like I ♪
♪ Don't pull me closer ♪
♪ Why don't you pull me close ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ I can't just let you go ♪
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ Why don't you just meet me in the middle ♪
♪ I'm losing my mind just a little ♪
♪ So why don't you just meet me in the middle ♪
♪ In the middle ♪
♪ Baby ♪
- Chainsmokers drop.
- Chainsmokers haven't made their way
in the top five in a while.
- Where are they?
- They've been dropping singles.
I guess they just haven't been connecting
in quite the same way.
- Huh.
- They got almost like political.
- Whoa, really?
- Yeah, we'll tell you.
- Like Trump stuff?
- Not like by name, but.
- More Paul Ryan focused.
- No, I think they're just on some like
what's going on type (beep)
I don't know.
I just saw this one video.
Anyway, the number one song,
we just, man, we just burned through 10 great songs.
Now the number one song right now
is a new single from a TC favorite
we haven't heard from in a while.
You dropped her name before, Megan Trainor.
- Oh, whoa.
- I mean.
- I did not see that coming.
- So Megan Trainor, she was kind of like,
you know, she started with a kind of,
almost like a novelty single.
I'm all about that bass, about that bass, about that bass.
Remember that song?
- Sort of.
- But then she's come very correct since then.
She had multiple hits on her next album
and this is her third album already.
And she was recently one of the judges on The Four,
a reality TV singing competition.
So this is the new Megan Trainor song
currently sitting at number one on the iTunes charts.
This is exciting.
Ooh.
- Woo.
- It's like some Calypso.
♪ What you sippin' on ♪
♪ I got you talkin' crazy ♪
♪ Lookin' at me sideways ♪
- It's like a little Mambo No. 5.
♪ So we comin' at me ♪
♪ Why you, why you, why you actin' hard ♪
♪ When you just a baby ♪
♪ Boy, I keep it real with you ♪
♪ What you tryna play me ♪
♪ Have you lost your mind ♪
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ You must have confused me, confused me with ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ You must have confused me, confused me with ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ There ain't no excuses, excuses, babe ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ 'Cause your mama raised you better than that ♪
♪ What you sippin' on ♪
♪ I got you talkin' crazy ♪
♪ Lookin' at me sideways ♪
- Wow.
♪ So we comin' at me ♪
- I don't know, well, it's exciting.
It's a little bewildering on first listen, but.
♪ Lady, I don't disrespect you ♪
♪ Don't you disrespect me ♪
♪ Have you lost your mind ♪
- This part's kinda dope.
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ You must have confused me, confused me with ♪
- I wanted more of that.
- Yeah, it's--
- And then it has like the South African, like,
Graceland, like, someone else.
- Someone, is it Lady Smith?
- Yeah.
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ 'Cause your mama raised you better than that ♪
- This part's fun.
♪ Your mama raised you better than that ♪
- Wait, why is this song called "No Excuses"?
♪ 'Cause your mama raised you better than that ♪
♪ Have you lost your mind ♪
- 'Cause your mama raised you better than that.
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
- Again, no excuses, dude.
You're puffin' on that gonge.
You're lookin' at her sideways.
You're givin' her all kinds of guff.
♪ You must have confused me, confused me with ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ Baby don't ♪
- Those "someone else's" are so funny.
♪ Someone else ♪
- Someone else.
♪ Your mama raised you better than that ♪
♪ How she raised you ♪
♪ To touch ♪
♪ You must have confused me ♪
- That's two songs in a row with the weird
lower octave pedal on the vocal.
- It's a nice trend.
- It's a real weird trend.
- It's kind of unusual that the song's called "No Excuses"
and they don't say "no excuses" in the chorus
for like a big pop song.
- Aren't there other songs called "No Excuses"?
- I'm sure.
♪ You must have confused me, confused me ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
♪ You must have confused me ♪
♪ With someone else ♪
♪ Confused me, confused me with ♪
♪ Someone else ♪
(laughing)
- They didn't wanna call the song "Someone Else"?
- "Someone Else."
- That's the theme of the whole show this time.
- Yeah, I guess that's a popular theme right now.
I guess you know.
- Aspirational secular music.
- It makes sense.
There's a lot of people out there hurting.
- Someone else.
- Yeah, people need a positive example.
- Someone else.
- So next time some dip comes and gives you some guff.
- It's God's plan, okay?
- If it's meant to be.
- If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
- Someone else. - There's no excuses.
- Well, okay, Jake, do you think that Meghan Trainor
single's gonna go the distance?
Think it's gonna be a big hit for her?
Another one?
- I'm not the right person to ask about this.
- Another one?
- I feel like no.
I feel like next time we do this show in two weeks,
it'll not be on the top five.
Call me crazy.
- Well, that doesn't mean it's not a hit, but--
- That's true, that's true.
- Man, I don't know.
- I have a very skewed vision of hit pop music, though,
'cause it's every two weeks, the top five songs.
- Fair enough.
Well, we just banged out the top 10,
a diverse sampling of popular music in America.
- I think next time we go back to a weird comparison year.
- To dig into the past?
- Yeah.
- Why not?
All right, Jake, well, that was a hell of a show.
Thank you to Kyle for calling in.
Shout out to Peter Rabbit, Diet Coke, the Oscars.
Before we sign off, Jake, you got one last thing
you wanna talk about.
- Got an email.
Hey, Jake.
Got it by Voices, also, like the Grateful Dead,
have a quite intimidating body of work.
Could you make us newbies an intro playlist
like you did for the Dead?
Thanks, Logan.
So that's this week's playlist.
Jake's introduction to GBV, volume one, 87 to 2017.
It's 25 songs, and it clocks in at around 45 minutes.
- Okay.
- So that's the last few playlists I've made,
the Dead and the New Age,
the playlist for like two and a half hours.
- So this is a tight 45.
- So this is, all the songs, like,
the average song length is under two minutes,
which is a real sweet spot for GBV.
And the vibe is like, if you don't like the song,
it's gonna be over soon anyway.
- Okay, tight. - The next one's gonna be great.
- We'll see.
Do you think GBV's a taller order than the Dead?
You know, for potential fans?
- Interesting.
For some.
- 'Cause some people might be turned off
by it can get a little lo-fi and noisy.
- Right.
That's a question for the ages.
- Well, we'll find out.
- Hey, check out Jake's GBV Guided by Voices playlist.
Curious to see what you think.
Can Jake turn you into a GBV head?
Check it out.
We'll see you in two weeks, everybody.
- Time Crisis with Ezra King.
Be-be-be-be-be-be-beats.
One.
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